I know I haven't blogged in a long time. I realized that I haven't written for a really dumb reason. Basically, it boils down to the fact that I wrote my heart out on a subject and I got someone didn't appreciate my opinion. Well, it took me a long time (until tonight actually) to decide that I don't care anymore. 

I was reading through my old entries, and I just realized that there are so many sweet little memories that I have of Zion that I wrote down. I would have forgotten them had it not been for this blog. And I also realized that i am SO behind on any details of the life of Zeke. So I have a lot of catching up to do. 

Zeke is the opposite of Zion in every single way imaginable. It is hilarious. Zion likes things neat and orderly. Zeke likes things in total chaos and ruin. Zeke has an unspoken rule that if something is sitting on a table or sofa, he has to immediately throw the object onto the floor. Ezekiel Jude spends most of his days roaming my house in a search and destroy mission. He throws books from shelves, toys from baskets, and tuperwear from cupboards. Gone are the days where I could fold clothes, clean dishes, mop my floors or do anything that remotely resembled a household chore. Now my days consist of making sure Zeke doesn't hurt himself or others or destroy anything important or throw anything of value into the trash can.  I can no longer pour myself a cup of coffee and set it on the end table next to the sofa. Are you kidding me? That would be spilled all over my livingroom floor in 0.6 seconds. 

So in all of that, Zeke and Zion are the best of friends and the worst of enemies. And I sit back and watch it all and laugh on the inside. When Zion is at preK, Zeke roams the house calling "Bubba"?? It breaks my heart a little. But the second Zion comes home from school, then it begins. "Mom!! Zekie spilled my toys out of the box!! Mom!! Zekie keeps movin' my legos!". Mom! Zekie is stealin' my juice". Oh my! It is quite entertaining.

Zeke is in the stage right now where he has very strong opinions about how he thinks things should go for him, however, he doesn't have the language skills to back up his demands. So most of my day is spent listening to toddler tantrums and high pitched screams. I just tell myself it is a phase. Zion went through it. Zeke is going through it. He will be fine. It will pass. I will come out of this sane. I hope.

Ezekiel's new favorite things: 
1. Playing the harmonica (I let him keep a harmonica in his crib just for my personal entertainment value).
2. Wearing his backpack everywhere. Although, it is massive when he puts it on his back. 
3. Wearing his new shoes ALL. THE. TIME. Even to bed some nights
4. Shaking his head "yes" and saying "UH HUH" to everything you ask him. Except for when you ask him, "do you want to go nigh night in your bed?". That is the only thing that gets a firm head shake "NO" and an "UH UHHHH". 

Zion's new favorite things:
1. Legos (and if one tiny piece goes missing the whole world must stop to find it).
2. a show on PBS called Ruff Ruffman. I'm sorry, Folks. It is a really really dumb show. Sometimes Ish and I feel that if we have to watch one more second of it we might lose our minds and become permanently brain damaged.
3. Eating peanut butter and Jelly for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Which leads me to one more opposite: Zion is tiny and seems to be not growing at the rate of his peers. Part of the blame of that lies on me and his dad because we are not overly tall people and I am pretty small. But the other part of the blame for his stunted growth may lie in the fact that all he EVER wants to eat is peanut butter and jelly. He will go hungry if we don't feed him PB&J. Many times I say, "this is what I made for dinner and this is what you are going to eat", but he just plain won't eat it. So eventually, I worry about his hunger strikes and go back to PB&J because I would like him to live and not starve himself to death. Zeke on the other hand: This kid can EAT. He will eat whatever he can find and he will not stop (until you give him the option of playing outside. In his world, playing outside trumps anything else he wants in life).

These two boys have lived two very different lives. When Zion was Zeke's age, I had time to do laundry and locate all of his missing sippy cups. Zeke - he doesn't get snippy cups. He gets to drink out of a real cup. He has lost so many sippy cups that his college education fund has already been wasted on replacement sippy cups. I am so over it. I am so over wasting hours a day looking for lost sippy cups. I suspect about 75% of those missing sippy cups probably ended up thrown into the trash can because he is obsessed with throwing things in the trash. So this kid gets to be a man and drink from a real cup because I will not buy one more sippy cup. 
 
In other news: My doula business has really taken off. I have attended almost 30 births over the last year or so and I'm starting to feel more confident. I'm also getting some great business and my first repeat client (and more repeat clients to come). It's exciting to realize that I started a business and I am running it and it is thriving. All by myself! I am my own boss. I don't set my own hours; the babies set my hours. But besides that, I couldn't' ask for more. I love it and I am good at it and I know I am doing what I was made to do. I am excited to see where this goes for me this year!

I have started this blog post a million times. What to say? What can I say? There are no words that can express what is really happening in our hearts and minds. Where do I even begin to explain? I will do my best to try.

On February 18, 2015, I gave birth to a baby boy. I carried him in my womb for only 13 weeks. In that time, I grew to love him. i knew him as my own. He developed into a tiny little person. He had hands, perfect little fingers. Fingernails. Tiny feet with toes. He fit in the palm of our hand. He was ours. He was perfect. 

I feel like I have gone over his story over and over in my head. A million times. When I am awake. When I am asleep. I dream of him. I think of him always. I continually remember that i should be almost half way done with my pregnancy by now. I should be nearing full bloom; happy, glowing, expecting life. Instead, I am empty.

I will spare every intimate detail for this blog. Except to say this: I carried him in my womb. I went into labor, I delivered him in the same bed I delivered my last baby. That is significant, because I feel like that solidified the fact that he is mine. He is my baby. And I labored to bring him into this world so we could meet him for a moment and say goodbye. And we did. We examined his little features and we prayed over him. We experienced so much joy and so much sorrow in one moment. 

Where do we go from here? Lately I have been thinking about whether or not I even want to try to have another baby. It is a risk. It requires trust. A lot of trust. And a lot of Faith. I am human and much of the time I think it would be easier to not have to put myself in a situation where I need to put forth that kind of effort....the effort to trust God with my fears. But then again, not seeing the goodness of the Lord in my life because I am afraid to trust...what a loss that would be. 

This entry has turned into a very real glimpse into my soul...There are days I have this worked out. There are many days I do not. Only God knows how to write our story from here, so I'll update with that as it unfolds. Thank you all for your support and prayers. It means more to us than we can express. 

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. This started me thinking about Judah and I was reading some of my old blogs. Reading about Judah brought back all of those emotions, but it also feels good to remember that we have a sweet little one that we will someday be able to see face to face. My heart is full when I look at my babies, but there will always be a place there for the baby we lost. I think that experiencing Ezekiel's birth and learning who this tiny little man is over the past 3 months has been a dream come true, but it has also reminded both Ish and I that we are missing one of our babies too. I am glad there is a day like today to remember those who have been in our shoes, and also to give permission to grieve. It's ok to miss your babies. Even if you never met them or held them or saw their face, they are still your babies. Its ok to love someone you never met. And it's ok to miss someone you never got a chance to know. Ish and I are still learning this lesson.

Life is moving faster and faster every day it seems. On Sunday I turned 31. I guess I need to be an adult now. Sometimes Ish and I look at each other and we can not believe we have 2 kids in our house and we are responsible for keeping them alive. I never knew that the transition from one to two kids was going to rock my world like it did. When I had one kid, I thought I was an awesome mom. I didn't know what everyone was complaining about. I got a shower, I drank my coffee when it was kind of hot, My house was sometimes clean and I could keep up with the laundry for the most part. Add kid number 2 and all of a sudden it is a miracle if I get a shower or even have time to make coffee, let alone drink it before the milk I put in it spoils. The first few weeks of being a mom of 2 had me wondering if I was ever going to sleep again and worried that I may end up on an episode of hoarders. But things have settled down and I am adjusting. Although my house will never be as clean as it used to be and I will never have as much time as I used to have. But it is ok. My heart is full and I am doing what God has created me to do, so I am happy. 

There are really no words to explain how the arrival of Zeke has changed me...but I will never be the same again. Obviously it's not the event that has changed me, but it is God using this part of my life to shape me and weed out the things that have to go if I am ever going to be who he made me to be. I have had a desire for a long time to be a midwife someday. I kept thinking someday as in 15 years from now. But I think maybe I was telling myself 15 years because it is easier to relax now and dream about the future than to actually take a risk and step out of the boat into the direction God is calling me. After Zeke was born, I realized that I can not stop thinking about going to school. It was no longer a future dream, it was a sense of urgency. It is so hard to explain, but it is like God has placed a fire inside of me to help women understand what an incredibly significant role birth plays in our lives - in who we are as women and mothers and in how our future generation begins their lives. I could go on and on about this, but my point is that as soon as Ezekiel was born and I looked at him, I knew that I had to go to school and become a midwife. All of the excuses I had for putting this off up until this point were the same lame excuses I have carried throughout my life of why I have not ever followed through with most things I start. After I realized that I was holding my baby in my arms and I had survived all of those months of pregnancy, all of the pain and heartache of losing a baby and the fear of being able to carry another, and after witnessing my body do what God had created it to do and being able to be fully present and actually enjoy giving birth, I realized that I can do anything that God puts in my heart to do. So all of this to say, I am going to be starting a midwifery program as soon as I can. I have chosen the program and now I am just waiting for God to provide the money and a car...but those things are small to him and I have no doubt it will happen. 

Besides having a direction to move in (which is very awesome) I just really feel like I am in a season where I am completely comfortable with who I am. This is new territory for me, and I am loving it. I don't know how to even explain what happened or how it happened, but I feel like a switch flipped and I am suddenly just at peace with me. I have spent so much time since I moved to Texas feeling like I am not "spiritual" enough or friendly enough or outgoing enough. I have felt that I am not a good teacher and I don't have any great and interesting things to say. Feeling this way about myself made me cold and unloving toward other people who I should have been willing to share my life with. I am ashamed to think of all of the relationships I have lost out on because I was so self conscious. This sounds so stupid when I read it, but I just felt like everyone was going to see that I wasn't good enough to be any help to Ish as a leader in the church or as his wife. Instead of helping him in where God has placed him, I was hiding out in my own world. I honestly can not explain what happened, or how it happened, but ever since Zeke has come into my life, I am just finally in a good place with who I am and how God has created me. I don't have to be an awesome public speaker or have a dynamic and loud personality to make a huge impact in this world. I don't have to have any wise prophetic words or any deep spiritual advice in order to do what God has called me to do. I just simply have to love people and chase after the things that make me passionate about God and about what he is doing in our world. I still don't have any deep spiritual lessons to write about in my blog, but God has created me to write. And when I write about my life, his handprints are all over it and HE is glorified. I am not called to pretend I am this great perfect wife and mother and Christian. I am just called to write and when I write it gets women to think about how their birth affected them, what it feels like to lose a baby, the struggles of being a wife and a mother, and what it looks like when you don't have a clue of what to do or how to do it but you just love God and watch the rest fall into place. 

So that is a small update on what God is doing in me. I hope it can encourage you to just be. Just be you and just love what you love and let God use those things you are passionate about to make a difference in your world. 

It's hard to believe that only two weeks ago Ezekiel was born. Now that we have him here with us, we can not imagine our family without him. What a sweet, beautiful little guy he is. I am completely in love with his adorable little feet and his perfect little lips and I love the squeaky little noises he makes in his sleep. Thank you, God, that you chose me to be Ezekiel's mommy. 

I know this is probably going to turn out to be a super long post, but it is probably more for me than for anyone else. I want to get it all down while it is still fresh in my mind. Plus, after the last post, I've had a lot of requests for the follow up story so here it is :)

I spent months and months preparing to have my baby at home. Early in my pregnancy, I made a decision to switch to a new midwife. The first one I had was wonderful, but I just felt like she wasn't 100% the perfect fit for me. When I met with Darlene, I knew without a doubt that she was the kind of midwife I needed for the kind of birth I wanted. She was the kind of midwife I would hope to be. So I started seeing her once a month and I also hired a doula. (a doula is kind of like a birth coach, support person, lactation consultant all in one). I wanted to do everything in my power to not have a repeat of my last birth experience. She would come over and support me through the labor and delivery. And if for some reason I would need to have a hospital birth, my doula would go with me and advocate for me so that I could stay as close to my birth plan as possible and that is what I wanted. 

I read all the birth stories I could, I did some yoga, I read book after book on natural birth and home birth. I researched and asked questions. I ordered the liner for the birth tub I had planned to use. I was determined to labor at home and not give up and go to the hospital. Zion's labor was about 18 hours, so I was prepared for a long labor. 

I had been having contractions for days but they were irregular and would always eventually go away. They also were not very painful so I grew used to ignoring them. On July 1st, I went to see Darlene at about 2:30 in the afternoon. I found out that I wasn't even dilated (which didn't discourage me much because I didn't dilate at all before I went into labor with Zion either). So she told me to go home and relax and take Benadryl to try to sleep. I did that and I only slept an hour. Sometime that evening, the contractions got more regular. I was relaxing in my bed with worship music in my headphones. Ish had gone to hang out with his brother who was in town, and I was really just enjoying early labor - as crazy as that sounds. It wasn't really painful yet, contractions were about 6 minutes apart but they were not lasting very long so I figured I had hours and hours to go. I was just listening to music and relaxing and reflecting on the fact that this could be the last night of my pregnancy. I was also thinking of how our lives were about to change and how grateful I am to have had the chance to get pregnant again and stay pregnant for 9 months. I was really just worshipping and relaxing and it was a really sweet moment. It was about 10pm and I figured Zeke would be born sometime the next day. At 10:30 I told Ish that I really thought I was in labor but I didn't really care if he hurried home or not. I was not completely sure that the contractions wouldn't stop just like they had been doing for the last couple of weeks! I did not want to alert everyone that I was in labor if it wasn't for real yet. 

Thank God my husband came home at about 11:30. We started to watch a movie and the contractions got stronger so at midnight I sent my doula a text to tell her that I thought I was in labor but I didn't know if I needed her yet. I felt like I was managing just fine and I didn't want to make her come sit at my house all night if I was still not in full blown labor. Well right after I sent that text, the next contraction was pretty legit and my husband just called her for me to tell her to come over. So she called the midwife and they both packing up and were on their way. This was probably a few minutes after midnight.

I still somehow thought that this was going to continue for hours, but the contractions were pretty intense and getting closer and closer together, so I just kept telling myself that I had to stay on top of these contractions because if I let them overwhelm me then I was going to be in serious trouble. At one point, when I had gotten up from laying in my bed, Ish ran and took the entire shower curtain off the curtain rod, hooks and all, and threw it over the bed. At the time I thought he was going overboard because in my mind I had planned to get into the birth pool and have the baby in there. But thankfully, one of us was still thinking realistically. At 12:45 I was standing next to the bed and my water broke. At that second, I felt the baby drop really low in my pelvis and all of a sudden I just had to push. I climbed onto the bed and I think that was the point I realized, "this is going REALLY fast". It would take about 45 minutes to an hour for my doula and midwife to get to me and since at midnight we had told them to get packed up and head over, they were still on their way. Poor Ish started texting the doula- who got pulled over on her way to our house. The good news is that she didn't get a ticket. The bad news is that Ish was about to have to deliver this baby!

While texting the doula, he called the midwife. She was going as fast as she could to get to me, but she was telling Ish over the phone on speakerphone how to deliver our baby because she was afraid she wasn't going to make it. I have to say that through all of this, my husband was INCREDIBLE. He did not panic. He did not pass out (even though I was on my hands and knees on the bed making noises like a man). He did make fun of me afterward - which I think is really wrong. Isn't there some kind of rule that you don't make fun of your wife later for the things she did while in labor?  Well, anyway, I was definitely impressed with his ability to remain calm while he faced the possibility of delivering his own child by himself. I was a little too preoccupied to get freaked out in that moment. I knew the baby was fine and would be fine if he came before the midwife got there, but I was trying not to push as hard as I could because I really didn't want Ish to have to deliver his son alone. 

At about 1:22 my midwife and doula ran in the door and at 1:24 Ezekiel Jude entered the world. Even though he came SO fast, the whole experience was still so perfect. We were in our own home, in our own bed with the music playing and candles lit. There was no rushing around or bright lights. He got laid next to me in bed and he got to stay there for a very long time. He was wide awake and so alert. I was talking and he just kept looking up to try to see my face. After a while, Ish cut the cord and he got to hold him. My mother in law was there and she got to hold him too. It was such an amazing and beautiful moment and so relaxed.

Looking back, the whole labor was ridiculously fast. Definitely not what I had planned for, but I am not complaining at all. It was so fast that I didn't have time to register that I was having a natural labor with no epidural. I didn't have time to rethink my plan. The whole thing was over before I even knew it had started. It was pretty intense, but pretty awesome at the same time. I think the most amazing part of the whole thing is that Ish and I did it all on our own, together. It was awesome to see him spring into action and do what he had to do. It was incredible to work as a team and I was once again reminded that I married the perfect man for me. It's probably pretty rare that a husband would be totally on board with a home birth and fully support all of my crazy hippy ways, and then remain totally calm and collected when it turns out that that he may have to deliver his baby by himself. When it was all over, I think we both just said, "Wow! What the heck just happened?". I'm glad I got to share that experience with him.

In the hours that followed Zeke's birth, I didn't get much sleep. I just held him and stared at him and tried to remember every detail of his tiny newborn body because it only lasts a short time. He is already growing and changing everyday. I am so glad we made the choice to have him at home. It was so healing in a lot of ways. I honestly did have a bit of a doubt in my mind from the beginning of my pregnancy that I could stick with this. And it extends to far more than just birth...I have always felt that I have a tendency to give up and change the plan when things get difficult. I don't always carry things through, and I throw in the towel if things deviate from the plan. From the start of the pregnancy, as soon as the morning sickness kicked in, I started to have doubts. I started to think, "If you can't even handle morning sickness then how are you going to handle a natural birth". I thought back to all of the exercise plans I started and never finished, the college degree I never completed, the birth plan I had for Zion's birth that I quickly abandoned so I could take the epidural, and I really was afraid that my desire to birth my baby at home was going to be a failure like all of these other things I did not follow through on before. But, I pressed on and ignored those lies and when I was in the middle of labor, I was yelling "I can do this!". It is hilarious now that it is over, and Ish got a kick out of it, but honestly when I was in the middle of it, I just needed to tell myself that I CAN do this. It was the only thing that I could think of saying at the time. It was pretty awesome after it was all over to realize that I did finish and I finished strong. God chose me to be a mother and he gave me everything I needed physically, mentally, and spiritually to birth my baby. So why would he stop there? He is also giving me everything I need to be the mom he wants me to be for the rest of my son's lives...that is a pretty amazing feeling and a burden off of my shoulders.
As I held my new baby I also thought of the baby we lost and I missed him. When you realize that nothing is for sure, you become more grateful for what you do have. I am so blessed to have sweet Ezekiel Jude in my arms. I am grateful every time he wakes me up at night. It is an honor to rock him and feed him and pray over him as I try to stay awake at 3am because I know that tomorrow is not promised and life is so precious. 

Zion is loving his baby brother. Yesterday was my first day home alone with 2 kids. It was a little crazy. I nursed a baby in one arm while I rushed to get Zion to the potty on time - which ended with pee all over the floor. There was a lot of TV watching for Zion while I tried to figure out how in the world to do 2 things at once all the time. But today has been much better. I'm sure I will catch on. My mom did it with 4 kids so I'm pretty sure I CAN DO THIS. Haha.

This is a precious time. I am right on the verge of having my family grow from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I'm pretty impatient right now. I'd like to go into labor any minute (and I suppose I could), but I'm pretty sure that, just like with Zion, I will miss being pregnant as soon as Ezekiel is born. I will for sure be so glad he is here and so happy to finally hold him in my arms, but I will miss being pregnant. I will definitely NOT miss the morning sickness, the fact that I can't move without giving myself a contraction, or the lack of sleep. I am pretty sure that the thing about pregnancy I will miss is the anticipation of seeing and holding my baby for the first time. And the excitement that comes from the fact that God is knitting together a person in my womb, as we speak. How incredible is that?

So on that thought, here is the thing I wanted to write about: 
For a long time, something has been bothering me. I haven't fully been able to put it into words, but I finally feel like I'm at the point where I can start to try. So here goes. There is something terribly, horribly wrong with how women are treated during pregnancy and birth in our country and it REALLY bothers me. So this is going to be a blog about MY personal experience and my thoughts on it. Take it or leave it, but please don't feel like I am saying that there is only one way to do things. I feel like no matter how we birth our babies, there is still much room for improvement with how we see ourselves as women, how we allow ourselves to be treated and how we treat other women.

Let me back up and explain. First of all, from the second you get pregnant, you get all of the well meaning "advice" from anyone and everyone you come into contact with. And a lot of it is SO negative. If it isn't the question of "oh, you are having ANOTHER one?" (and you know by that the person means "WHY would you keep having kids. Aren't there enough people in the world? Don't you know how this happens?) then it's the horror stories about pregnancy and how it ruined their body. Or you have the women who are eager to tell you about how horrible their pregnancy was or how scary their delivery happened to be and about how they would have died if they weren't in the hospital. And don't even get me started on breastfeeding and what a taboo thing everyone makes it to be. Why can I open Facebook and see people posting boobs half hanging out everywhere, but God forbid it be a picture of a woman breastfeeding and everyone freaks out and Facebook bans the photo?? Anyway, back to my point. It seems at times so hard to find someone - anyone - who is willing to talk about what a sacred and beautiful thing pregnancy is and what a gift it is to even get a chance to be pregnant in the first place. 

The real root of why it all bothers me is this: the negativity subtly takes the focus off of the beautiful plan God has for us as women and it puts the focus on all of the reasons why we, as women, are not well equipped, not strong enough, not living in bodies that are perfect enough, and just all together not enough. It brings up the lie over and over again that God's design for women is flawed. That we should be ashamed of our bodies, of birth, and of our inadequacy to carry out the tasks of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. It takes us out of touch with our creator and with who we are in Christ and it throws in our face everything we think we are not.

I feel that, having had the "hospital birth experience", I have a first hand account of what it meant for me personally and so I am speaking from my own experience here. Before I actually went into labor with Zion, I had planned to try to have a natural birth. I didn't have a clear plan of how to make that happen and I didn't realize how much pressure I would have placed on me to blindly follow orders once I got into the hospital, so the natural birth plan did not hold up long. Before I went into labor with Zion, I felt strong and ready for labor. I was excited. I was unsure of what kind of a mother I would be, but I prayed I would be a good one. I think for me, that was the scariest part of being a first time mom. Before you have a child, you don't understand how much you will love this tiny person until it actually happens, so you are afraid you won't be able to love enough. Women go into their birth experience for the first time looking for reassurance that they can do this motherhood thing. Unfortunately, through the way many of us are treated from the second we step into the hospital, we are met with the opposite of reassurance. 

For example: When I arrived at labor and delivery, excited and thinking I was in labor, I got the rudest nurse possible who was just harsh and impersonal. Then, after being hooked up to the monitors for a few minutes, uncomfortable the whole time, she comes in and says "OH Honey, you aren't in labor! Real labor is going to hurt A LOT more than this". So from that second on, instead of feeling like I can do this thing, I heard, "If you can't handle this now, then you are never going to be strong enough to be in real labor. You can't do this at all". 
Then, on top of that, she decided to check my cervix by being as rough and rude as possible - saying while she was hurting me "I don't know who told you you were dilated. You are not dilated at all". She made me feel stupid. She had no concept of the fact that I was a real person and A) she was too rough and B) That is a private area and not one that you can just treat with disrespect. I honestly felt so violated. When my husband came back in the room after she checked me (he should have just stayed but she asked him to leave so he did) her glove was covered in blood and my husband was freaked out to say the least. I was weeping and I didn't know why at the time. But it just came down to the fact that I felt diminished. I felt like what I wanted from this birth didn't matter anymore because I didn't feel empowered to speak up and say "no, I don't need you to check me. I want another nurse, or I want to wait for my midwife".  So then enters lie #2..."I do not deserve for my body to be treated with respect because this is just 'hospital policy', and I don't have the strength to speak up for myself". 
So I was given Morphine with no explanation really of how this would affect me or my baby, and sent home. Still contracting, definitely in labor, but too scared to argue with the system. Needless to say, a couple of hours later my husband had to practically drag me out of the house and back to the hospital because I was definitely in labor (and high on morphine - not a good combination). But I was so fearful of another horrible experience at that point, that I did not want to set foot back in that triage department. 

Anyway, take two, I was met by the same nurse who was still working her same shift, and I was checked once again. This time, I was pretty much in my own world because I was having some serious contractions, but my husband and friend were forced to wait outside of triage for what felt like FOREVER. I was all alone in there, on the most uncomfortable stretcher ever, hooked up the the monitor and hyperventilating through my contractions because I was terrified, and all alone with Nurse Crazy who kept yelling at me the whole time to "JUST BREATHE". Finally, I just asked for the epidural. I was defeated. I felt totally crushed. Most of my birth plan was out the window and I felt like I had no power whatsoever to ask for my support team to be allowed in the room with me or to request that they contact my midwife NOW instead of just letting me navigate my contractions in an uncomfortable room alone until I broke down and gave up. Needless to say, it was not the empowering and encouraging start to motherhood that I had hoped for. The rest of the labor went smoothly for the most part. There were a few bumps in the road but my son was born healthy and perfect. His birth was still a precious and beautiful thing. I bonded with Zion the first second I saw him. I'm thankful for all that did go well. But a good outcome does not dismiss the fact that laboring in the manor and circumstances that I did, really opened my eyes to the reality of how women are being treated in labor and birth and the impact that is having on us. Whether we acknowledge it or not, it is happening - we as women are being bullied, stripped of our right to have a personal and beautiful birth, and duped into thinking that birth is just something to get through and survive so that you can have your baby after it is all over. 

The truth is, When a baby is born, a mother is born too. And the manner in which a baby is born is SO important for so many reasons! God created women to do this. It is supposed to be a beautiful and empowering experience. God created your body to naturally release chemicals that bond you and your baby and make you feel like you just conquered the world and are now ready to BE the mother you want to be. After birth, you should feel this overwhelming high that you just did this. You made this baby, in your body, and you endured through all of those 9+ months, and then you gave birth to this baby with your own body. What you should not feel is humiliated, trapped, diminished, and defeated because you were not able to have a voice in the process or stand up for yourself.

When I had Zion, I did experience the joy and the excitement of what I had just accomplished. I still remember that feeling. And I know that a lot of women still experience that despite the circumstances surrounding their child's birth. However, I also experienced the frustration of not being heard and of being forced to compromise my birth plan in order to fit into the box of "this is how labor should be" and "this is hospital protocol because it is easier for the hospital staff to deal with a birth that follows all of the rules rather than a birth that deviates from the norm". I was forced to sacrifice parts of what my birth experience should have been in order to please the hospital staff. As women, we are pushed into believing that the norm is to go to the hospital, surrender to whatever the doctor's and nurses say because birth is SO dangerous, and be thankful that the doctors are able to save the mother and the baby when something bad happens. Birth becomes a scary emergency situation that is full of fear and uncertainty. There is no joy and no trust in God as the creator of our bodies as women and the miracle that is taking place. That should not happen. If God created this child and knit him together second by second, day by day, and knew every hair on his head before he was born, then I find it hard to believe that the way he is born is not equally as important. 

So most people I know look at me like I'm a crazy woman when I tell them that I am planning to have Ezekiel at home with a midwife this time. I don't feel like I have to justify my choice, but I do feel like I wanted to share my thoughts on this for all of the women that are curious to know what we are thinking. My husband and I just want our baby to be born when he is ready, in a calm environment where he is able to stay on my chest and bond with me (and his daddy) and just be. We just want to let my body do what it was designed to do without intervention unless it is needed. 
If I had a high risk situation, or if I or my baby needed emergency intervention, thank God it is there! Thank God there are doctors who can step in. But, I am talking about a normal birth with no complications. 

And I also want to say that I am in no way judging any other woman's birth decisions. I am just saying, Women, You have a choice!  You CAN and should make your own decisions and have the birth that is right for you. Whether it is a hospital birth with an epidural or a C-section or a home birth or whatever, then just go into it confident and sure that it is YOUR decision based on what is right for your baby and not something you feel pushed into. My sister always has hospital births and she has chosen a great OB who works hard to keep the best interest of mama and baby first, and it has always been a positive experience for her because she does her own research and asserts herself and makes her own decisions. You have much more power and intuition as a mother than you are giving yourself credit for. You know what is best for your baby and YOUR BODY IS NOT BROKEN. Your body will know what to do when it is time to birth your baby and feed your baby and you will love that baby from the first second because THAT is the beauty of how God made you. You were made for this! You are strong! Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. 

And let's just take it a step further and know that becoming a mother is just the beginning. If you can realize how strong, beautiful and unique you are as a woman, and if you can chase after what it is God has called you to be, then what can stop you from changing the world? 

Today is our baby shower for Ezekiel. I am really looking forward to it! Today is also May 26th. Ask me yesterday what May 26th was and I would have said "our baby shower". But the first thought on my mind this morning when I woke up on May 26th was Judah. This was Judah's due date. He would be about a year old already.
It is ironic and beautiful that the day we celebrate Zeke's new life is also the day we are missing another life.
So as we get on with our wonderful, exciting day today, I just needed to stop and say,
"Judah, we still miss our baby. And we know that today you are playing and running and laughing with Jesus so you are ok, but we still feel your absence here and it still hurts to miss you."
That's all. I just wanted to take a minute to remember. I am so excited to celebrate life today! Ezekiel's and Judah's both.

A good indicator that I am definitely REALLY pregnant is the point where I start to wear my husband's clothes to bed. I have definitely reached that point. And I have an incredible husband because he puts up with my giant snoodle pillow taking up half the bed (not sexy at all), and he listens to me rant about our to do list. I'm not sure he is actually doing anything on it...but at least he puts up with my hormonal outbursts that drive me to make lists of all the things we need to do before the baby comes. Because I'm sure the baby REALLY needs to garage cleaned and the living room curtains hung up before he can arrive. 

In honor of mother's day, I just wanted to share a few thoughts I have on being a mommy...

First of all, Facebook is a really interesting thing...it gives quite a bit of insight into what goes on in the head of a mother. There are the mom's the post videos and pictures of EVERYTHING (I might be one of these, I'm not pointing fingers). Because nobody can love a baby as much as their mama can. As a mom, I think that everything my son does is adorable. When he sings his ABC's I am so proud of him. I think he is brilliant and I start to think that maybe he is one of these child prodigies and someday he is going to invent something that will change the world. And I am convinced of this, all because he is smart enough to sing me his ABC's. And nobody else probably cares that I have posted a video of my son singing his ABC's. But, like any mom would (and I know you ALL do this, don't lie), I have to post it and see how many people like it and comment, just hoping that everyone else can appreciate how brilliant my child is the way I can. I love that God made us this way. I am in awe of the way he designed us, as moms, to look at our babies and think "This is THE best, most amazing, most beautiful, most talented, most unique kid that ever existed in the history of the world". Nobody can love and encourage and cheer on your child like you can. God made it that way. From the moment of birth, when chemicals are released to bond a baby and a mama, it's a miracle and evidence of God's beautiful plan for you as a mother. 

Then there are the Facebook moms who like to post the status updates that say things along the line of "got up at 4am. Drank coffee, Took my kids to the park, homeschooled my kids, made 13 pinterest projects, painted the house, planted a flower garden, made a 5 course dinner. It's been a busy day!". I love those! (I'm not calling anyone out. I may have posted some of those too). I think as mom's we are always looking for reassurance that we are doing a good job. When you spend all day with your kids it can be a pretty thankless job. Your kids probably are not going to say, "wow, Mom! You are so creative and good at being a mom!". Your husband probably for the most part, isn't going to say it often either. So sometimes, the day to day can get exhausting when we are looking for encouragement as our motivator. We end up being pretty unmotivated eventually and then we want to throw in the towel. 

Mamas! Our worth as a mother can not be based on the outward things. Most days, I may not get the laundry done, my kid's lunch might be less than nutritious, I might not even get a chance to take a shower, and the truth is, nobody is telling me "thank you for sacrificing your shower and your clean house for me". Most days I remind myself that someday, my son will remember me playing cars and bear hunt with him. He will remember the encouragement I give him and the attention I give him. He will probably not so much remember how clean the house was or how good my cooking was (because he will shut his mouth tight and refuse to try it anyway). And he definitely won't care how many pinterest projects I made. 

So this Mother's Day, don't be so hard on yourselves. Remember that God created you to be a mom...so he has equipped you. You naturally love your babies more than anything, so you are doing great without any of the extra things we think we need to be or do as a mom. Your kids don't care how clean your house is or how many activities you have planned during the day. They don't compare notes with other kids on whose mother has the most creative pinterest projects or the best smelling laundry. They just care that you love them and are proud of them. Lower your expectations for yourself...being a mom is not as clean and easy as it looks in laundry detergent commercials. You are going to get dirty. Your house is going to be a mess a lot of the time. Nobody else but you might know how much you sacrifice your body, your time, your wants, your dreams, your comfort for your kids, but that's ok. Keep doing what you were created to do, and remember that it is your number one job right now. Someday, very soon, you will have your body, your time, your stuff, your food all to yourself again...but I don't want that day to come. I will miss these hard, messy days a lot one day!

As a side note, right now I am listening to my son sing the wonder pets theme song and it's pretty adorable. I LOVE being Zion's mommy. Every year as a mom just gets better. 

And thank you, Mom, for showing me how to be a mom. For sacrificing so much for us. For baking cookies with me, and showing me how to sew, and coming to all of my boring band concerts. For doing what you had to do, even when times were very hard. You are the best mom in the world. 

Enjoy your day, Mommies! 

I have so many recipes and other stuff to blog...and I finally feel a little bit better so I'm catching up! I have lots of recipes coming soon so check that out.
So first of all, I am so proud of my man. A few months ago, he decided to get healthy and lose weight because he was too young for high cholesterol. So he worked really hard to lose weight, all while working hard at his job and being a good dad and husband, and going to school. He lost 45 lbs!!! Did I mention that I am proud of him? Well, recently, as a family, we have been working to get healthier. The truth is that anyone can lose weight without getting healthier. And that is what we do not want to do. The more research my husband has done, the more he has wanted to get away from processed food, white sugar and flour, and addictive and unhealthy things that America calls "food" that are not really food. Instead, we have started eating more veggies, fruits, nuts, beans and things grown instead of made in a lab. Now he has gone full vegan (no animal products like meat, fish, eggs, dairy). 
Obviously because I am pregnant I hesitated to become full vegan at first (although I am not new to this, I have done it in the past and I had never felt better) so I waited to talk to my midwife before I made any serious changes. I have an amazing midwife and she said it is perfectly fine if I do (in fact, it is great). So I have been eating mostly vegan. If I have a craving for something like milk or steak, I will eat it, but for the most part I have been following along with what Ish is doing. Since we have started cooking and eating real food, we feel amazing, and I feel good about the nutrition our growing baby is getting.
So here is the reason I am blogging about this:
First of all, it is NOT to persuade anyone to become vegan. It sometimes feels like when we tell people we are vegan (and I've done this before I married Ish and had the same experience), that people get automatically defensive in a way. Like they feel like because we are doing something a certain way that they have to do it too. That is silly. If you want to go to Burger King right now, go. If you eat it in front of me, fine. I am not judging you. 
I have also, many times, gotten the response, "but, that's not biblical". Well, I have done my research and it is not in any way un-biblical to be a vegan. Actually (and look for yourself), Gen 2:29 "And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for food". It wasn't until after the fall of man that the bible mentions any animals being used for food or clothing. So God's original intent was for us to eat seeds, things grown from trees and plants and the ground, with no mention of animals. But is it biblical or unbiblical? It's not a command from God and it's not wrong either, it's just a personal preference and conviction. (Quite a bit like a lot of things that Christian culture likes to place in the "right" or "wrong" category. But we won't go there today). 
So the reason this has become a blog is just to answer the question of why for those of you who are curious. Because we have gotten a lot of questions, and we are on a journey and want to share what we are learning if you want to know. 
Last night, Ish and I had a long conversation about food and the reality of how what we eat is affecting our lives. First of all, Sugar. Refined white sugar and flower is addictive. The food industry wants it that way because they can suck us in. They don't care about what it does to our bodies, they just care about what it does to their bank account. Think about it this way: sugar, high fructose corn syrup and refined white flour are made in the same way cocaine is made. Cocaine comes from a Coca plant, which in itself is not harmful and does not react in the body the way the finished product of cocaine does, but in the same way cocaine is processed and broken down to become the final drug, sugar, high fructose corn syrup and flour are also taken from their original state and broken down and processed into the final chemical. Once broken down, these things are so far from their original state that they harm our bodies. They cause diabetes, heart disease, cancers, hyperactivity in children and lots of other things, not to mention they are addicting. High fructose corn syrup is in everything; bread, juice, even sushi. Look at the labels of things and realize that it's very hard to get away from eating it! So if we are making a product, that is harmful, addictive and is killing us, then why would we call that product acceptable? Because everyone is doing it? And why would we give it to our children? We would never give cocaine to our children, but instead we will give them another "drug" and then wonder why they are overweight, hyperactive and can not pay attention? 
And the biggest thing is WHY, as the church, do we make our own rules of what is acceptable and what is not? Humans are spirit, soul, and body. Why do we focus on spirit and soul and ignore the body? How is it that someone who has a cigarette addiction can feel like they can't keep coming to a church because they are "sinning" at the same time all the church people are gorging themselves on sugary crap that is destroying our bodies and making our lives shorter and very much less effective. Instead of walking in the freedom we preach about, we are bound by the addiction of food? And we don't think twice about it. We even call it acceptable because "We live in Texas". Somehow that argument makes no sense to me. (side note: I hate including myself in the "church people" category because when it comes down to it I just love Jesus and that is all, but because I go to a church I automatically fall in the church people category).
And, the silliest thing to me is this: We serve a God who heals and we ask and beg to be healed, while at the same time we are feeding our bodies things that are killing us. Things that God never intended for us to eat. I think there is so much we are missing out on. So much freedom we don't have because we are addicted to food that is killing us and causing us to be depressed and limited in our failing bodies. So many years we lose that God intended for us to live out as an effective vessel and we can't do it because we . So many amazing foods that God created for us in his beautiful world that we don't even know about, because we are eating the counterfeit stuff instead. 
So that's what it comes down to for us: We just want to be free from living to eat, and we want to eat to live and live to serve our amazing God. 

First of all, Happy 2013! Second, my husband has decided on his own that he is going to try being a vegan and I could not be happier. This means no dairy, meat, eggs or animal products. I did this before we were married for about 6 months and I honestly felt amazing. I can not wait to do it again, but obviously I have to wait until this baby is born. Until then, I am going to support my husband in his ventures and create some amazingly tasty recipes. So the recipe portion of my site is going to become really awesome in the months to come. Check it out!  

So as far as why we would want to be vegan...that is a lot of explaining and really good information...most of which I am not prepared to post today. but I will get on that and post some good info very soon. That will be part II of this post. But don't judge it til you try it :)

Other than that, I wanted to catch up with the posts because it has been a while. And for those of you that read what I write because you love Zion more than me (that's ok. I love him more than me too), then here is what is going on in the life of the shortest, bossiest person in the world. Christmas with a 2 and a half year old was exciting. It was just as fun for Ish and I having a kid on Christmas morning than it was being a kid on Christmas morning.  I think we were up before him, so excited for him to see his presents. The night before Christmas, he stayed up late, running in circles, chanting "SANTA, SANTA, SANTA". He could not contain his excitement. 

On Christmas morning he looked at the gifts and just stood there...I  think he was afraid to come in the room! He had never seen anything like it. And my favorite thing about this Christmas with Zion: He calls the Christmas tree, the "Christmas Treat". I love it!

We are now over 13 weeks pregnant. It has taken a while to sink in, but I'm still as sick as always and my pants don't fit so I'm pretty sure we can get excited now! We took a test we bought at Walgreens to see if it is a boy or a girl. It says on the box that it is 90% accurate, but I'm pretty sure it is only 50% accurate and that is because there are only 2 answers so it's gotta be right once in a while. But a lot of people say it worked for them...so maybe it does Well, it told us it's a girl :)  I'm not decorating for a girl based off of it, but it was fun anyway and I do feel in my heart that it could be a girl. We will see. 

2012 is not a year I would like to re-live and so we welcome 2013! We are hoping to get into a house in the next few months (so Zion can have a yard to run around in). We are looking forward to the birth of our baby, to being healthier this year, and to all of the beautiful things that 2013 will bring. 

And every new year I am reminded (thank you, Pastor Aaron), that I do not need a resolution for the new year. I need a revelation. If I have a resolution, I can change what's on the outside and maybe I can make myself feel better, but if I have a revelation of who Christ is then I can never again be the same from the inside out. Yes, I need a revelation.