It's hard to believe that only two weeks ago Ezekiel was born. Now that we have him here with us, we can not imagine our family without him. What a sweet, beautiful little guy he is. I am completely in love with his adorable little feet and his perfect little lips and I love the squeaky little noises he makes in his sleep. Thank you, God, that you chose me to be Ezekiel's mommy.
I know this is probably going to turn out to be a super long post, but it is probably more for me than for anyone else. I want to get it all down while it is still fresh in my mind. Plus, after the last post, I've had a lot of requests for the follow up story so here it is :)
I know this is probably going to turn out to be a super long post, but it is probably more for me than for anyone else. I want to get it all down while it is still fresh in my mind. Plus, after the last post, I've had a lot of requests for the follow up story so here it is :)
I spent months and months preparing to have my baby at home. Early in my pregnancy, I made a decision to switch to a new midwife. The first one I had was wonderful, but I just felt like she wasn't 100% the perfect fit for me. When I met with Darlene, I knew without a doubt that she was the kind of midwife I needed for the kind of birth I wanted. She was the kind of midwife I would hope to be. So I started seeing her once a month and I also hired a doula. (a doula is kind of like a birth coach, support person, lactation consultant all in one). I wanted to do everything in my power to not have a repeat of my last birth experience. She would come over and support me through the labor and delivery. And if for some reason I would need to have a hospital birth, my doula would go with me and advocate for me so that I could stay as close to my birth plan as possible and that is what I wanted.
I read all the birth stories I could, I did some yoga, I read book after book on natural birth and home birth. I researched and asked questions. I ordered the liner for the birth tub I had planned to use. I was determined to labor at home and not give up and go to the hospital. Zion's labor was about 18 hours, so I was prepared for a long labor.
I had been having contractions for days but they were irregular and would always eventually go away. They also were not very painful so I grew used to ignoring them. On July 1st, I went to see Darlene at about 2:30 in the afternoon. I found out that I wasn't even dilated (which didn't discourage me much because I didn't dilate at all before I went into labor with Zion either). So she told me to go home and relax and take Benadryl to try to sleep. I did that and I only slept an hour. Sometime that evening, the contractions got more regular. I was relaxing in my bed with worship music in my headphones. Ish had gone to hang out with his brother who was in town, and I was really just enjoying early labor - as crazy as that sounds. It wasn't really painful yet, contractions were about 6 minutes apart but they were not lasting very long so I figured I had hours and hours to go. I was just listening to music and relaxing and reflecting on the fact that this could be the last night of my pregnancy. I was also thinking of how our lives were about to change and how grateful I am to have had the chance to get pregnant again and stay pregnant for 9 months. I was really just worshipping and relaxing and it was a really sweet moment. It was about 10pm and I figured Zeke would be born sometime the next day. At 10:30 I told Ish that I really thought I was in labor but I didn't really care if he hurried home or not. I was not completely sure that the contractions wouldn't stop just like they had been doing for the last couple of weeks! I did not want to alert everyone that I was in labor if it wasn't for real yet.
Thank God my husband came home at about 11:30. We started to watch a movie and the contractions got stronger so at midnight I sent my doula a text to tell her that I thought I was in labor but I didn't know if I needed her yet. I felt like I was managing just fine and I didn't want to make her come sit at my house all night if I was still not in full blown labor. Well right after I sent that text, the next contraction was pretty legit and my husband just called her for me to tell her to come over. So she called the midwife and they both packing up and were on their way. This was probably a few minutes after midnight.
I still somehow thought that this was going to continue for hours, but the contractions were pretty intense and getting closer and closer together, so I just kept telling myself that I had to stay on top of these contractions because if I let them overwhelm me then I was going to be in serious trouble. At one point, when I had gotten up from laying in my bed, Ish ran and took the entire shower curtain off the curtain rod, hooks and all, and threw it over the bed. At the time I thought he was going overboard because in my mind I had planned to get into the birth pool and have the baby in there. But thankfully, one of us was still thinking realistically. At 12:45 I was standing next to the bed and my water broke. At that second, I felt the baby drop really low in my pelvis and all of a sudden I just had to push. I climbed onto the bed and I think that was the point I realized, "this is going REALLY fast". It would take about 45 minutes to an hour for my doula and midwife to get to me and since at midnight we had told them to get packed up and head over, they were still on their way. Poor Ish started texting the doula- who got pulled over on her way to our house. The good news is that she didn't get a ticket. The bad news is that Ish was about to have to deliver this baby!
While texting the doula, he called the midwife. She was going as fast as she could to get to me, but she was telling Ish over the phone on speakerphone how to deliver our baby because she was afraid she wasn't going to make it. I have to say that through all of this, my husband was INCREDIBLE. He did not panic. He did not pass out (even though I was on my hands and knees on the bed making noises like a man). He did make fun of me afterward - which I think is really wrong. Isn't there some kind of rule that you don't make fun of your wife later for the things she did while in labor? Well, anyway, I was definitely impressed with his ability to remain calm while he faced the possibility of delivering his own child by himself. I was a little too preoccupied to get freaked out in that moment. I knew the baby was fine and would be fine if he came before the midwife got there, but I was trying not to push as hard as I could because I really didn't want Ish to have to deliver his son alone.
At about 1:22 my midwife and doula ran in the door and at 1:24 Ezekiel Jude entered the world. Even though he came SO fast, the whole experience was still so perfect. We were in our own home, in our own bed with the music playing and candles lit. There was no rushing around or bright lights. He got laid next to me in bed and he got to stay there for a very long time. He was wide awake and so alert. I was talking and he just kept looking up to try to see my face. After a while, Ish cut the cord and he got to hold him. My mother in law was there and she got to hold him too. It was such an amazing and beautiful moment and so relaxed.
Looking back, the whole labor was ridiculously fast. Definitely not what I had planned for, but I am not complaining at all. It was so fast that I didn't have time to register that I was having a natural labor with no epidural. I didn't have time to rethink my plan. The whole thing was over before I even knew it had started. It was pretty intense, but pretty awesome at the same time. I think the most amazing part of the whole thing is that Ish and I did it all on our own, together. It was awesome to see him spring into action and do what he had to do. It was incredible to work as a team and I was once again reminded that I married the perfect man for me. It's probably pretty rare that a husband would be totally on board with a home birth and fully support all of my crazy hippy ways, and then remain totally calm and collected when it turns out that that he may have to deliver his baby by himself. When it was all over, I think we both just said, "Wow! What the heck just happened?". I'm glad I got to share that experience with him.
In the hours that followed Zeke's birth, I didn't get much sleep. I just held him and stared at him and tried to remember every detail of his tiny newborn body because it only lasts a short time. He is already growing and changing everyday. I am so glad we made the choice to have him at home. It was so healing in a lot of ways. I honestly did have a bit of a doubt in my mind from the beginning of my pregnancy that I could stick with this. And it extends to far more than just birth...I have always felt that I have a tendency to give up and change the plan when things get difficult. I don't always carry things through, and I throw in the towel if things deviate from the plan. From the start of the pregnancy, as soon as the morning sickness kicked in, I started to have doubts. I started to think, "If you can't even handle morning sickness then how are you going to handle a natural birth". I thought back to all of the exercise plans I started and never finished, the college degree I never completed, the birth plan I had for Zion's birth that I quickly abandoned so I could take the epidural, and I really was afraid that my desire to birth my baby at home was going to be a failure like all of these other things I did not follow through on before. But, I pressed on and ignored those lies and when I was in the middle of labor, I was yelling "I can do this!". It is hilarious now that it is over, and Ish got a kick out of it, but honestly when I was in the middle of it, I just needed to tell myself that I CAN do this. It was the only thing that I could think of saying at the time. It was pretty awesome after it was all over to realize that I did finish and I finished strong. God chose me to be a mother and he gave me everything I needed physically, mentally, and spiritually to birth my baby. So why would he stop there? He is also giving me everything I need to be the mom he wants me to be for the rest of my son's lives...that is a pretty amazing feeling and a burden off of my shoulders.
As I held my new baby I also thought of the baby we lost and I missed him. When you realize that nothing is for sure, you become more grateful for what you do have. I am so blessed to have sweet Ezekiel Jude in my arms. I am grateful every time he wakes me up at night. It is an honor to rock him and feed him and pray over him as I try to stay awake at 3am because I know that tomorrow is not promised and life is so precious.
I read all the birth stories I could, I did some yoga, I read book after book on natural birth and home birth. I researched and asked questions. I ordered the liner for the birth tub I had planned to use. I was determined to labor at home and not give up and go to the hospital. Zion's labor was about 18 hours, so I was prepared for a long labor.
I had been having contractions for days but they were irregular and would always eventually go away. They also were not very painful so I grew used to ignoring them. On July 1st, I went to see Darlene at about 2:30 in the afternoon. I found out that I wasn't even dilated (which didn't discourage me much because I didn't dilate at all before I went into labor with Zion either). So she told me to go home and relax and take Benadryl to try to sleep. I did that and I only slept an hour. Sometime that evening, the contractions got more regular. I was relaxing in my bed with worship music in my headphones. Ish had gone to hang out with his brother who was in town, and I was really just enjoying early labor - as crazy as that sounds. It wasn't really painful yet, contractions were about 6 minutes apart but they were not lasting very long so I figured I had hours and hours to go. I was just listening to music and relaxing and reflecting on the fact that this could be the last night of my pregnancy. I was also thinking of how our lives were about to change and how grateful I am to have had the chance to get pregnant again and stay pregnant for 9 months. I was really just worshipping and relaxing and it was a really sweet moment. It was about 10pm and I figured Zeke would be born sometime the next day. At 10:30 I told Ish that I really thought I was in labor but I didn't really care if he hurried home or not. I was not completely sure that the contractions wouldn't stop just like they had been doing for the last couple of weeks! I did not want to alert everyone that I was in labor if it wasn't for real yet.
Thank God my husband came home at about 11:30. We started to watch a movie and the contractions got stronger so at midnight I sent my doula a text to tell her that I thought I was in labor but I didn't know if I needed her yet. I felt like I was managing just fine and I didn't want to make her come sit at my house all night if I was still not in full blown labor. Well right after I sent that text, the next contraction was pretty legit and my husband just called her for me to tell her to come over. So she called the midwife and they both packing up and were on their way. This was probably a few minutes after midnight.
I still somehow thought that this was going to continue for hours, but the contractions were pretty intense and getting closer and closer together, so I just kept telling myself that I had to stay on top of these contractions because if I let them overwhelm me then I was going to be in serious trouble. At one point, when I had gotten up from laying in my bed, Ish ran and took the entire shower curtain off the curtain rod, hooks and all, and threw it over the bed. At the time I thought he was going overboard because in my mind I had planned to get into the birth pool and have the baby in there. But thankfully, one of us was still thinking realistically. At 12:45 I was standing next to the bed and my water broke. At that second, I felt the baby drop really low in my pelvis and all of a sudden I just had to push. I climbed onto the bed and I think that was the point I realized, "this is going REALLY fast". It would take about 45 minutes to an hour for my doula and midwife to get to me and since at midnight we had told them to get packed up and head over, they were still on their way. Poor Ish started texting the doula- who got pulled over on her way to our house. The good news is that she didn't get a ticket. The bad news is that Ish was about to have to deliver this baby!
While texting the doula, he called the midwife. She was going as fast as she could to get to me, but she was telling Ish over the phone on speakerphone how to deliver our baby because she was afraid she wasn't going to make it. I have to say that through all of this, my husband was INCREDIBLE. He did not panic. He did not pass out (even though I was on my hands and knees on the bed making noises like a man). He did make fun of me afterward - which I think is really wrong. Isn't there some kind of rule that you don't make fun of your wife later for the things she did while in labor? Well, anyway, I was definitely impressed with his ability to remain calm while he faced the possibility of delivering his own child by himself. I was a little too preoccupied to get freaked out in that moment. I knew the baby was fine and would be fine if he came before the midwife got there, but I was trying not to push as hard as I could because I really didn't want Ish to have to deliver his son alone.
At about 1:22 my midwife and doula ran in the door and at 1:24 Ezekiel Jude entered the world. Even though he came SO fast, the whole experience was still so perfect. We were in our own home, in our own bed with the music playing and candles lit. There was no rushing around or bright lights. He got laid next to me in bed and he got to stay there for a very long time. He was wide awake and so alert. I was talking and he just kept looking up to try to see my face. After a while, Ish cut the cord and he got to hold him. My mother in law was there and she got to hold him too. It was such an amazing and beautiful moment and so relaxed.
Looking back, the whole labor was ridiculously fast. Definitely not what I had planned for, but I am not complaining at all. It was so fast that I didn't have time to register that I was having a natural labor with no epidural. I didn't have time to rethink my plan. The whole thing was over before I even knew it had started. It was pretty intense, but pretty awesome at the same time. I think the most amazing part of the whole thing is that Ish and I did it all on our own, together. It was awesome to see him spring into action and do what he had to do. It was incredible to work as a team and I was once again reminded that I married the perfect man for me. It's probably pretty rare that a husband would be totally on board with a home birth and fully support all of my crazy hippy ways, and then remain totally calm and collected when it turns out that that he may have to deliver his baby by himself. When it was all over, I think we both just said, "Wow! What the heck just happened?". I'm glad I got to share that experience with him.
In the hours that followed Zeke's birth, I didn't get much sleep. I just held him and stared at him and tried to remember every detail of his tiny newborn body because it only lasts a short time. He is already growing and changing everyday. I am so glad we made the choice to have him at home. It was so healing in a lot of ways. I honestly did have a bit of a doubt in my mind from the beginning of my pregnancy that I could stick with this. And it extends to far more than just birth...I have always felt that I have a tendency to give up and change the plan when things get difficult. I don't always carry things through, and I throw in the towel if things deviate from the plan. From the start of the pregnancy, as soon as the morning sickness kicked in, I started to have doubts. I started to think, "If you can't even handle morning sickness then how are you going to handle a natural birth". I thought back to all of the exercise plans I started and never finished, the college degree I never completed, the birth plan I had for Zion's birth that I quickly abandoned so I could take the epidural, and I really was afraid that my desire to birth my baby at home was going to be a failure like all of these other things I did not follow through on before. But, I pressed on and ignored those lies and when I was in the middle of labor, I was yelling "I can do this!". It is hilarious now that it is over, and Ish got a kick out of it, but honestly when I was in the middle of it, I just needed to tell myself that I CAN do this. It was the only thing that I could think of saying at the time. It was pretty awesome after it was all over to realize that I did finish and I finished strong. God chose me to be a mother and he gave me everything I needed physically, mentally, and spiritually to birth my baby. So why would he stop there? He is also giving me everything I need to be the mom he wants me to be for the rest of my son's lives...that is a pretty amazing feeling and a burden off of my shoulders.
As I held my new baby I also thought of the baby we lost and I missed him. When you realize that nothing is for sure, you become more grateful for what you do have. I am so blessed to have sweet Ezekiel Jude in my arms. I am grateful every time he wakes me up at night. It is an honor to rock him and feed him and pray over him as I try to stay awake at 3am because I know that tomorrow is not promised and life is so precious.
Zion is loving his baby brother. Yesterday was my first day home alone with 2 kids. It was a little crazy. I nursed a baby in one arm while I rushed to get Zion to the potty on time - which ended with pee all over the floor. There was a lot of TV watching for Zion while I tried to figure out how in the world to do 2 things at once all the time. But today has been much better. I'm sure I will catch on. My mom did it with 4 kids so I'm pretty sure I CAN DO THIS. Haha.
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