Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. This started me thinking about Judah and I was reading some of my old blogs. Reading about Judah brought back all of those emotions, but it also feels good to remember that we have a sweet little one that we will someday be able to see face to face. My heart is full when I look at my babies, but there will always be a place there for the baby we lost. I think that experiencing Ezekiel's birth and learning who this tiny little man is over the past 3 months has been a dream come true, but it has also reminded both Ish and I that we are missing one of our babies too. I am glad there is a day like today to remember those who have been in our shoes, and also to give permission to grieve. It's ok to miss your babies. Even if you never met them or held them or saw their face, they are still your babies. Its ok to love someone you never met. And it's ok to miss someone you never got a chance to know. Ish and I are still learning this lesson.
Life is moving faster and faster every day it seems. On Sunday I turned 31. I guess I need to be an adult now. Sometimes Ish and I look at each other and we can not believe we have 2 kids in our house and we are responsible for keeping them alive. I never knew that the transition from one to two kids was going to rock my world like it did. When I had one kid, I thought I was an awesome mom. I didn't know what everyone was complaining about. I got a shower, I drank my coffee when it was kind of hot, My house was sometimes clean and I could keep up with the laundry for the most part. Add kid number 2 and all of a sudden it is a miracle if I get a shower or even have time to make coffee, let alone drink it before the milk I put in it spoils. The first few weeks of being a mom of 2 had me wondering if I was ever going to sleep again and worried that I may end up on an episode of hoarders. But things have settled down and I am adjusting. Although my house will never be as clean as it used to be and I will never have as much time as I used to have. But it is ok. My heart is full and I am doing what God has created me to do, so I am happy.
There are really no words to explain how the arrival of Zeke has changed me...but I will never be the same again. Obviously it's not the event that has changed me, but it is God using this part of my life to shape me and weed out the things that have to go if I am ever going to be who he made me to be. I have had a desire for a long time to be a midwife someday. I kept thinking someday as in 15 years from now. But I think maybe I was telling myself 15 years because it is easier to relax now and dream about the future than to actually take a risk and step out of the boat into the direction God is calling me. After Zeke was born, I realized that I can not stop thinking about going to school. It was no longer a future dream, it was a sense of urgency. It is so hard to explain, but it is like God has placed a fire inside of me to help women understand what an incredibly significant role birth plays in our lives - in who we are as women and mothers and in how our future generation begins their lives. I could go on and on about this, but my point is that as soon as Ezekiel was born and I looked at him, I knew that I had to go to school and become a midwife. All of the excuses I had for putting this off up until this point were the same lame excuses I have carried throughout my life of why I have not ever followed through with most things I start. After I realized that I was holding my baby in my arms and I had survived all of those months of pregnancy, all of the pain and heartache of losing a baby and the fear of being able to carry another, and after witnessing my body do what God had created it to do and being able to be fully present and actually enjoy giving birth, I realized that I can do anything that God puts in my heart to do. So all of this to say, I am going to be starting a midwifery program as soon as I can. I have chosen the program and now I am just waiting for God to provide the money and a car...but those things are small to him and I have no doubt it will happen.
Besides having a direction to move in (which is very awesome) I just really feel like I am in a season where I am completely comfortable with who I am. This is new territory for me, and I am loving it. I don't know how to even explain what happened or how it happened, but I feel like a switch flipped and I am suddenly just at peace with me. I have spent so much time since I moved to Texas feeling like I am not "spiritual" enough or friendly enough or outgoing enough. I have felt that I am not a good teacher and I don't have any great and interesting things to say. Feeling this way about myself made me cold and unloving toward other people who I should have been willing to share my life with. I am ashamed to think of all of the relationships I have lost out on because I was so self conscious. This sounds so stupid when I read it, but I just felt like everyone was going to see that I wasn't good enough to be any help to Ish as a leader in the church or as his wife. Instead of helping him in where God has placed him, I was hiding out in my own world. I honestly can not explain what happened, or how it happened, but ever since Zeke has come into my life, I am just finally in a good place with who I am and how God has created me. I don't have to be an awesome public speaker or have a dynamic and loud personality to make a huge impact in this world. I don't have to have any wise prophetic words or any deep spiritual advice in order to do what God has called me to do. I just simply have to love people and chase after the things that make me passionate about God and about what he is doing in our world. I still don't have any deep spiritual lessons to write about in my blog, but God has created me to write. And when I write about my life, his handprints are all over it and HE is glorified. I am not called to pretend I am this great perfect wife and mother and Christian. I am just called to write and when I write it gets women to think about how their birth affected them, what it feels like to lose a baby, the struggles of being a wife and a mother, and what it looks like when you don't have a clue of what to do or how to do it but you just love God and watch the rest fall into place.
So that is a small update on what God is doing in me. I hope it can encourage you to just be. Just be you and just love what you love and let God use those things you are passionate about to make a difference in your world.
Life is moving faster and faster every day it seems. On Sunday I turned 31. I guess I need to be an adult now. Sometimes Ish and I look at each other and we can not believe we have 2 kids in our house and we are responsible for keeping them alive. I never knew that the transition from one to two kids was going to rock my world like it did. When I had one kid, I thought I was an awesome mom. I didn't know what everyone was complaining about. I got a shower, I drank my coffee when it was kind of hot, My house was sometimes clean and I could keep up with the laundry for the most part. Add kid number 2 and all of a sudden it is a miracle if I get a shower or even have time to make coffee, let alone drink it before the milk I put in it spoils. The first few weeks of being a mom of 2 had me wondering if I was ever going to sleep again and worried that I may end up on an episode of hoarders. But things have settled down and I am adjusting. Although my house will never be as clean as it used to be and I will never have as much time as I used to have. But it is ok. My heart is full and I am doing what God has created me to do, so I am happy.
There are really no words to explain how the arrival of Zeke has changed me...but I will never be the same again. Obviously it's not the event that has changed me, but it is God using this part of my life to shape me and weed out the things that have to go if I am ever going to be who he made me to be. I have had a desire for a long time to be a midwife someday. I kept thinking someday as in 15 years from now. But I think maybe I was telling myself 15 years because it is easier to relax now and dream about the future than to actually take a risk and step out of the boat into the direction God is calling me. After Zeke was born, I realized that I can not stop thinking about going to school. It was no longer a future dream, it was a sense of urgency. It is so hard to explain, but it is like God has placed a fire inside of me to help women understand what an incredibly significant role birth plays in our lives - in who we are as women and mothers and in how our future generation begins their lives. I could go on and on about this, but my point is that as soon as Ezekiel was born and I looked at him, I knew that I had to go to school and become a midwife. All of the excuses I had for putting this off up until this point were the same lame excuses I have carried throughout my life of why I have not ever followed through with most things I start. After I realized that I was holding my baby in my arms and I had survived all of those months of pregnancy, all of the pain and heartache of losing a baby and the fear of being able to carry another, and after witnessing my body do what God had created it to do and being able to be fully present and actually enjoy giving birth, I realized that I can do anything that God puts in my heart to do. So all of this to say, I am going to be starting a midwifery program as soon as I can. I have chosen the program and now I am just waiting for God to provide the money and a car...but those things are small to him and I have no doubt it will happen.
Besides having a direction to move in (which is very awesome) I just really feel like I am in a season where I am completely comfortable with who I am. This is new territory for me, and I am loving it. I don't know how to even explain what happened or how it happened, but I feel like a switch flipped and I am suddenly just at peace with me. I have spent so much time since I moved to Texas feeling like I am not "spiritual" enough or friendly enough or outgoing enough. I have felt that I am not a good teacher and I don't have any great and interesting things to say. Feeling this way about myself made me cold and unloving toward other people who I should have been willing to share my life with. I am ashamed to think of all of the relationships I have lost out on because I was so self conscious. This sounds so stupid when I read it, but I just felt like everyone was going to see that I wasn't good enough to be any help to Ish as a leader in the church or as his wife. Instead of helping him in where God has placed him, I was hiding out in my own world. I honestly can not explain what happened, or how it happened, but ever since Zeke has come into my life, I am just finally in a good place with who I am and how God has created me. I don't have to be an awesome public speaker or have a dynamic and loud personality to make a huge impact in this world. I don't have to have any wise prophetic words or any deep spiritual advice in order to do what God has called me to do. I just simply have to love people and chase after the things that make me passionate about God and about what he is doing in our world. I still don't have any deep spiritual lessons to write about in my blog, but God has created me to write. And when I write about my life, his handprints are all over it and HE is glorified. I am not called to pretend I am this great perfect wife and mother and Christian. I am just called to write and when I write it gets women to think about how their birth affected them, what it feels like to lose a baby, the struggles of being a wife and a mother, and what it looks like when you don't have a clue of what to do or how to do it but you just love God and watch the rest fall into place.
So that is a small update on what God is doing in me. I hope it can encourage you to just be. Just be you and just love what you love and let God use those things you are passionate about to make a difference in your world.
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