My husband has been gone a lot lately.  He usually works all day and then has meetings or some obligation at night. (don't worry, he goes above a beyond to spend time with us. He is still the man of my dreams and he spends plenty of quality time at home too). We only have one car. Zion and I spend MANY hours alone together. Honestly, there are times I get really lonely. It would be so nice to have someone who says more than 50 words in english and 25 words in spanish to talk to. However, I do want to remember the way he says every single one of those words, even when he doesn't say them that way anymore. My favorite is the way he says "Show" and how every time he says the word "Monkey" he feels the need to make monkey sounds along with it.
Anyway, I'm going through this time in my life where it seems like everything is new. Everything, no matter how simple or familiar, becomes a tangible picture of God's love for me.  and by everything...I mean EVERYTHING. I want to try to explain this...but the reality is, words can't explain this. This is going to be my sorry attempt at trying to explain...I hope it somewhat makes sense.
So back to my many hours alone with a 2 year old...
I just can't get over how much I love this kid. I mean, he talks in one or two word sentences all day. Yet, I still love it when he has "conversations" with me. He has a tantrum over something he wants but can't have at least 4 times a day. Yet, I know he is two. He can't express his feelings through words, so he just screams instead. I have lots of grace for those tantrums. He makes everything into a mess. He puts dirty foot prints all over my white couch. He rubs yogurt in his hair. But I know that he is two. It's just going to happen. And at the end of the long day, when he falls asleep, I forget all about the struggles I had with him that day. Ten minutes after he is asleep, I miss him and I have to fight the urge to go into his room and scoop him up and hold him. 
If this is what a mother's love can do...
If I am human and I can love my son like this...
Then what can God's love do?  
How vast and unfathomable is God's love for me?
How many times have I come before God with requests and "conversations" so simple for him, but so complex for me to understand. Yet, he doesn't dismiss me...he loves my 2 word sentences. And my tantrums; I am ashamed to even go there. How many times do I have a complete melt down because I only see things my way. The grace that covers all of those times...well, I did nothing to deserve all of that grace. The messes I make of so many things...I don't even want to think about all of the messes I make, but the love that it takes to clean up the mess...that kind of Love doesn't just happen. That is that kind of love you have for YOUR kid. It's the kind of love that can forget, in an instant, what a mess I've made of my day, all of the hateful things I have thought or said, all of the selfishness in my heart, all of the pride that makes me think I am good enough on my own, and the arrogance that tells me I have and can somehow earn salvation. It is the kind of love that has seen all of this, all of everything in my heart, and at the end of the day can just put that aside and still have the urge to scoop me up and hold me and love me like I could never deserve. That is how HE loves me. I am overwhelmed.

Lately, I just feel completely undone. This is a good place to be.

Recently, I read the news and all I can think is LOVE! God, help us understand love! If Christians could just LOVE...if we could understand that the answer is not more laws to force everyone to act "saved". The answer is not to vote the right person into office and expect him to magically fix everything. The answer will not come through opinionated Facebook status updates. God, teach us how to LOVE. To meet the needs of those around us and build meaningful relationships with people...not just those people in the church...but our neighbors and the people we interact with everyday. I think maybe my prayer this week should be "God, help me to love other Christians who are, at times, unloving people".

So my challenge for the week is this: Let God love me how only HE can love me, Love everyone EVERYONE in my life with that same love. 

I'm a little behind on the blogging, but my sweet little (big) boy turned 2! I can't believe that it's been 2 years already.  I'll never forget the first time I saw his little purple wrinkly face. In the few minutes before he was born, the Lauryn Hill song "To Zion" started playing and I started weeping...not because I was terrified to push a baby head through my Va-jay-jay for the first time (although that was a thought that was on my mind), but because I was about to meet my son and my world was about to change forever. 
And it did change!  Now I can't shower by myself, or pee alone, or eat off of my own plate without sharing my vegetables with a veggie tales fanatic who wants to save Junior asparagus. But, I like those things quite a bit so I will be sad someday when he is old enough for me to shut the bathroom door and stop sharing my plate. 

On his birthday we took him to the Lego store and let him pick out the Lego (or as he would say "Geggo") set he wanted. He definitely has an opinion about what he likes. We would show him a box and he would say "NO, NO". When he finally found the one he wanted (something with zoo animals in it), he held onto it tight and all he could say is "OH WOW"!!  It was such a fun family day and so exciting to see his little personality and likes and dislikes. 

I REALLY love this kid!  What a goof ball!!  I can't wait to see what this year brings.  Happy Birthday Big Boy!!!

Sometimes I feel so inspired to blog, and I sit down with my computer, and all of a sudden I start to think about who might read this and what they might think of me and then everything I just had in my head disappears.  It all comes down to this...

I care WAY to much what people think of me.

I have always struggled with this. But then again, maybe that's pretty normal. So for now, I am just going to put all of that aside and write what is on my heart. It's been a while and I think I have a lot to say.

A lot has happened since my last post. My sweet baby boy turned 2. Judah's "due date" has passed. Ish and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. Each of those things in themselves should be a blog post because every one of those stories is filled with miracles and has evidence of an incredible God written all over.  So let me start with the first thing which was Judah's due date.

A mama doesn't forget her due date. After you wait for weeks, counting down the days, that date is forever stamped in the calendar in  your brain. Judah should have been born on (or close to) May 26, 2012. I know that a lot of people have miscarriages. Part of me feels ashamed about what I'm going to write because the part of my brain that cares what people think is telling me that "nobody cares". But I know that there are too many other women who have experienced loss and who are thinking the same thing about their precious babies. So I'm just going to be real. ONE single life is important to God. Judah's life, is important. So I'm still going to talk about it. 

May 26th came and went. It was a Saturday. We wanted to find a babysitter so Ish and I could go to the beach and just have some time to ourselves, but we couldn't find a sitter.  So we ended up making it a family day and taking Zion with us. But we didn't think about the fact that it was a holiday so the beach was packed. In fact, we didn't even make it there because the traffic was so bad! So we didn't really do anything except drive around and spend time together. Spending time with my family was the best thing we could do though, so it was good. 

I had several friends (and by several I mean like 12) who were pregnant and all due in May or June.  So my emotions have been a roller coaster. Always rejoicing when a sweet new baby is born, but mourning the loss of my baby at the same time. When we first lost our baby, people would say things like "it will get better in time". I know now that time doesn't change anything. Only God can whisper truth into my heart that can heal...nothing gets better with time. In fact with each passing month and milestone, it has only gotten harder. Realizing by now I should know the sex of my baby, by now I should be preparing the nursery, by now I should be having a baby shower, by now I should be seeing my baby's face for the first time.  No, it does not get easier with time. 

When I think about the journey that I have been on since Judah came to be, there are a few moments that stand out. One night I was just so angry. Zion wasn't sleeping, so I went to rock him back to sleep. As I rocked him, I cried out to God, "WHY am I SO angry?. Why can't things just go back to how they were before we had a miscarriage? WHY did this happen? WHY". Well, that night God answered me loud and clear. It was like all of a sudden I just was able to step out of myself and see the big picture. All of a sudden I could put into words what I was thinking but I was afraid to admit. All of a sudden I realized that the truth of the matter was, I was pregnant and our baby died. And up until that moment I had a pretty easy going life. Nothing ever really rocked the boat. I had always known that Jesus loves me and he has always taken care of me, but in my safe little world, nothing too tragic had ever happened. Yes, I had experienced death in my family that was devastating. But that is nothing compared to losing a child. Losing a baby is like the sacred thing that you think won't happen. And somewhere in my mind, I hate to admit it, but I just didn't think it would happen to me...because I was existing in this fairytale land where "God loves me too much to let something that bad happen to me". 

That night, as I rocked my baby and asked God "why", I just realized that losing Judah had totally rocked everything I was standing on. And then I realized that being in that place was the best place I could be because - and I'm being really honest right now -  if I really believe that I somehow deserve to be immune to losing my baby and it should happen to someone who loves God less instead, then something is terribly, horribly wrong in my heart. At that moment I realized that I thought I knew so much about God's love, but I really knew so little. And now I am realizing that I am not immune from pain but that doesn't change God's love for me. Most of all, these things I hold so tight to in this world are not even mine to hold.  

This is all stuff that I could say before, but I hadn't gone through it. It's all so easy to say when all is well and everybody is here and healthy. 

So as Judah's day came and went, and as Facebook has exploded with newborn pictures and birth announcements, I've spent a lot of time just having to rely on the Lord to supernaturally calm my heart and give me peace over and over again that all is well and HE is ALWAYS the same God. 

A few days ago, my sweet friend posted something that was so fitting for her, but also brought tears to my eyes. 

Psalm 113:9 NIV
He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord.

Just to clarify, I'm so happy to be Zion's mommy...but this verse applies to me being in the season where I had my heart set on holding my newborn for the first time, and am not able to.  I hope I'm making sense. I'm really trying!

I hope I made some sort of sense here. I just felt like I should blog some of this, as this is all I do have of Judah's life. And although I only carried him a short time, His little life has changed me (and Ish) in ways I can't explain.