Lately I know I am supposed to be writing. But I'm not doing it. When you are supposed to be doing something, but you are not doing it, after a while it starts to drive you crazy. Well, I'm officially crazy at this point, and the list in my head of all of the things I am supposed to blog about is getting really really long. Too long for me to manage it. So I have to start writing!
I like this website format because from one day to the next I can't figure out what it is I should be blogging about. One day it's recipes, the next it's my babies or my husband or some all-natural thing that I think will save the world. So I don't really know how to organize all of my huge ideas. All I can tell you is hold on, try to follow, and by the end there may be 200 different tabs for all of the subjects I want to cover. Who knows. For now I'm going to just start writing here.
So this is my second attempt to write this same post. About 10 minutes ago I had everything all written, I was really feeling it, it all made sense and I was thinking I was on a roll. Until something happened...I have no idea what...I pushed something I shouldn't have...and EVERYTHING DISAPPEARED!! Then something slipped out of my mouth that probably shouldn't have, and the first thought that came to mind was "See! This is stupid!! Why did you think you should do this blogging thing again? Nobody is going to read this anyway!" Well, then after that thought, I just realized that the real reason I probably haven't been writing is that I have been operating under such crazy lies and I got determined to do this. I'm so over this phase of my life of not doing or saying what God is putting in me to do and say. So here it is :) I have a lot to catch up on.
The first thing I need to write about goes all the way back to January. One night my husband and I were just sitting together and all of a sudden another wave of grief washed over us and we had to ride it out. If you have ever been through something similar, you know that just when you think you are done mourning you have fooled yourself because it's a journey. Just when you think you are ok, there is yet another reminder of loss and you find yourself feeling for a moment like you are back at square one. Well, I've learned that even when I feel like I'm back at square one, I'm not. Over these past few months we have had moments where we just have to stop and remember Judah. This is the only way we can make some sense of the fact that we don't have him here. He did have a life, and that life deserves to be remembered. And I feel like I am responsible for allowing the mark his tiny feet left to be recognized in this world. There is a difference between being stuck in grief and allowing something beautiful to grow from it. Right now, in these months when Judah should still be growing and preparing to be born, I have felt the urge to go one of two ways. I can either be angry and terrified and blame God for taking my baby, or I can let Judah's life grow in meaning by sharing the perfect story that is being played out day by day. I chose to allow Judah to leave a legacy and bring me closer to my savior.
So, I got off on a tangent. The real purpose for this post is that I wanted to share what my husband wrote about Judah. After I wrote my thoughts about Judah, he also wanted to share his perspective. On that particular night in January we realized we still missed our baby and we didn't have to put a limit on how many tears we cry over him. After we talked, and cried, Ish wrote some beautiful words from a daddy's perspective that he asked that I share on my blog. Well, that was back in January. Almost three months later, I'm finally posting it. It's not that I didn't love what he wrote. I just wasn't ready to share it with the world because it is very precious to me and I needed time to process it. Now that time has passed I know that what he has to say is something that other men need to hear. So to my amazing husband, I want to say that I am so blessed to share this life with you, and to have you share this with me. Thank you for being a real Man of God and for being honest and real in everything in your life.
I like this website format because from one day to the next I can't figure out what it is I should be blogging about. One day it's recipes, the next it's my babies or my husband or some all-natural thing that I think will save the world. So I don't really know how to organize all of my huge ideas. All I can tell you is hold on, try to follow, and by the end there may be 200 different tabs for all of the subjects I want to cover. Who knows. For now I'm going to just start writing here.
So this is my second attempt to write this same post. About 10 minutes ago I had everything all written, I was really feeling it, it all made sense and I was thinking I was on a roll. Until something happened...I have no idea what...I pushed something I shouldn't have...and EVERYTHING DISAPPEARED!! Then something slipped out of my mouth that probably shouldn't have, and the first thought that came to mind was "See! This is stupid!! Why did you think you should do this blogging thing again? Nobody is going to read this anyway!" Well, then after that thought, I just realized that the real reason I probably haven't been writing is that I have been operating under such crazy lies and I got determined to do this. I'm so over this phase of my life of not doing or saying what God is putting in me to do and say. So here it is :) I have a lot to catch up on.
The first thing I need to write about goes all the way back to January. One night my husband and I were just sitting together and all of a sudden another wave of grief washed over us and we had to ride it out. If you have ever been through something similar, you know that just when you think you are done mourning you have fooled yourself because it's a journey. Just when you think you are ok, there is yet another reminder of loss and you find yourself feeling for a moment like you are back at square one. Well, I've learned that even when I feel like I'm back at square one, I'm not. Over these past few months we have had moments where we just have to stop and remember Judah. This is the only way we can make some sense of the fact that we don't have him here. He did have a life, and that life deserves to be remembered. And I feel like I am responsible for allowing the mark his tiny feet left to be recognized in this world. There is a difference between being stuck in grief and allowing something beautiful to grow from it. Right now, in these months when Judah should still be growing and preparing to be born, I have felt the urge to go one of two ways. I can either be angry and terrified and blame God for taking my baby, or I can let Judah's life grow in meaning by sharing the perfect story that is being played out day by day. I chose to allow Judah to leave a legacy and bring me closer to my savior.
So, I got off on a tangent. The real purpose for this post is that I wanted to share what my husband wrote about Judah. After I wrote my thoughts about Judah, he also wanted to share his perspective. On that particular night in January we realized we still missed our baby and we didn't have to put a limit on how many tears we cry over him. After we talked, and cried, Ish wrote some beautiful words from a daddy's perspective that he asked that I share on my blog. Well, that was back in January. Almost three months later, I'm finally posting it. It's not that I didn't love what he wrote. I just wasn't ready to share it with the world because it is very precious to me and I needed time to process it. Now that time has passed I know that what he has to say is something that other men need to hear. So to my amazing husband, I want to say that I am so blessed to share this life with you, and to have you share this with me. Thank you for being a real Man of God and for being honest and real in everything in your life.
From Daddy
I lost a child. I’ve been afraid to write this. I didn’t want to deal with the emotion. I’ve struggled with what people would think...thoughts of “he shouldn’t feel that way, I mean, it was just a miscarriage” and thoughts of “he’s a man, he doesn’t understand...he didn’t carry the baby”. In all reality, however you view it, my wife and I did lose a baby.
I lost a child. At first, I thought I was dealing with it, it hurt...I cried...but then I thought I had to get over it. I had to be strong for my wife, I had to be strong for everyone else. It makes people uncomfortable if I mourn for this long.
But...I lost a child. I couldn’t watch movies I had seen a hundred times...because it dealt with the decision to keep a child or not. When watching shows about giving birth, I would have to walk out of the room because I couldn’t deal with the thought that I wouldn’t experience that with my second child.
I lost a child. I can still see the image of the ultrasound. I can see the arms, the legs, the little body floating...but I couldn’t see the heartbeat. We all couldn’t see it. That was my baby..that was all the hopes I had built, the name I had picked out, the dreams I had about wrestling with my two boys. That was ten weeks of planning, of loving, of enduring. “I’m sorry, but this is where the heartbeat should be......”
I lost a child. “Well...thank God you lost it this early.” “God needed him and so he took him back.” You had a perfect baby, but God took him away.” “God needed him more than you.” These are all things my wife and I heard as we tried to heal. Very well intentioned, no harm or hurt meant as they were said...but tore into our heart. Why would he do this to us. Even if he was born with no arms or legs, we would still love...
I lost a child. I sit here in my living room after three months after finding out our baby was in heaven. Do I still hurt? Yes. Do I still have questions? Yes. What has changed?
I’ve decided to put my focus back on the creator of life. I have chosen to have faith again. Faith..the substance of things unseen. I didn’t look into our baby’s eyes...I didn’t hold my baby...but my faith tells me I will see him again...the substance of things unseen.
I lost a child....but I have my praise back. I had decided to name our second child Judah. Judah..to me and my wife had meant loss...mourning. I am now starting to realize that my praise goes before my sadness...my joy goes before pain. My faith goes before my doubt....Judah goes before me.
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