My Hubby left tonight for Haiti. Now it is 12:30 in the AM and I am remembering why I hate it when he is gone. I never sleep. The thing I don't understand about this phenomenon is that I was a single lady for a very long time before my man came along. I watched most of my friends get married and I wondered, begged, pleaded with God for it to be my turn next. And all of those years that I waited (I say all of those years like they were 50 years, but really I got married when I was 26 and it just felt like an eternity while I was waiting) I slept alone in my bed just fine. I slept the entire night and I went to bed at a decent hour. All on my own! So...why can't I do that now?
And the other thing I don't understand is why and how I can be so bored? He has been gone maybe 5 hours at this point, and I have found myself trying to slow down on the episodes of United States of Tara (don't judge me) that I'm watching on Netflix because I'm afraid I'm going to run out of episodes before he gets back and then I will not have anything to do.
So now, into my 5th hour out of my next 7 days of living life as a single lady again (And by single lady you know what I mean...Don't let your imagination run wild and start rumors about me), I'm doing basically the same thing so far tonight as I did everyday when I really was single: Eat ice cream, check Facebook obsessively, and watch movies in my bed in the dark. And I'm remembering some good times (and some not so good times) with the roommates.
Beth and I had some fun times I will say...just having someone to always talk to for hours about anything and everything going on in our heads was pretty awesome. After I got married, it took me a while to realize that guys don't have conversations the way girls do. They have just as meaningful conversations...but with a small fraction of the amount of words to get the point across.
And then we had some not so fun times....like the time we got bed bugs somehow, somewhere, and we couldn't get rid of them and we had to move out. But the thing that amazes me about that is this: I survived! I made it through that, and God never left me to deal with it alone. He always provided what I needed.
And again, the time I quit my job because my boss turned out to be a major creeper. I did not have a breakdown because I did not have a husband to provide for me...Instead, I freaked out for a day and then I got it together and looked for a new job. I just knew that God would provide. He was my husband. And again, he never left me.
There were times when I was single and all I wanted was my husband to show up - I didn't know who he was yet, but I would cry out to God and say "Please!!! I don't want to be alone anymore!". And then there were times when I was content and I knew that no matter what happened, God had a plan for ME then, and I didn't have to wait until I was married to start my life. But Ultimately, no matter what my emotional state was, I reached a point where I was pretty secure in my singleness. Mostly because I was becoming more secure of who I am in Christ.
Sometime before I realized that I was supposed to marry Ish (because we were friends for a while first - that's a whole other blog), I had a realization that the goal of my life, is not to get married. In my mind, I just always thought that I'd grow up, maybe go to college, get married, have some kids. Well, college came...and went. But where was my husband? So as I waited, I felt like plan A to get married had fallen through (at least for the time-being) so I had to go to plan B. And there was not really a plan B. I kind of wandered for a while. And then, I started to get it. I started to realize that I had an identity. That Christ created me. As an individual. And that he had called me to love people, and live out the life that he had given me. NOW. Not later, when I'm married. I had no husband to hide behind. I only had Jesus. And I fell completely in love with Jesus. And I came to the point where I was willing to say, "Whatever you give me, Lord, that is the life I'm going to live. I'm not going to waste my life waiting anymore".
So anyway...fast forward to today. My goal in life, my calling, is not to just simply get married, have kids, run them to soccer, and clean my house. My goal in life is to simply live and to love and to share the gospel with anyone God puts in my life. And along the way, God decided to bless me with an amazing man. My perfect Prince Charming. Not because I need a husband to be a "real christian woman", but because God decided it was good for me and Ish to work together. What a beautiful thing...and what a good God to show me a demonstration of his Love by providing me with a husband who loves me like Christ loves the church.
Tonight I realize how easy it is to hide behind my husband. To look to him for security and safety. To look to him to cure my loneliness and occupy my time. When I was single, it was easy to fall in Love with Jesus because I had no distractions and nothing else demanding my affection. It's so easy to fall into a state of laziness and complacency. Lord! I want to find myself in you. I want you to define me and not my marriage, or my husband, or my son!
I am so blessed. I love the life I have been given. Ish is the perfect man for me to share my life with, and Zion is a beautiful, perfect gift. I want to always remember my first love. And always put him first. I want to be madly in love with Jesus.
That's all...Nothing crazy or mind blowing. I just need Jesus desperately, and everything else works itself out.
Oh yeah...I just remembered I'm not really that "single" because my baby is crying so I have to go and tend to him...
And the other thing I don't understand is why and how I can be so bored? He has been gone maybe 5 hours at this point, and I have found myself trying to slow down on the episodes of United States of Tara (don't judge me) that I'm watching on Netflix because I'm afraid I'm going to run out of episodes before he gets back and then I will not have anything to do.
So now, into my 5th hour out of my next 7 days of living life as a single lady again (And by single lady you know what I mean...Don't let your imagination run wild and start rumors about me), I'm doing basically the same thing so far tonight as I did everyday when I really was single: Eat ice cream, check Facebook obsessively, and watch movies in my bed in the dark. And I'm remembering some good times (and some not so good times) with the roommates.
Beth and I had some fun times I will say...just having someone to always talk to for hours about anything and everything going on in our heads was pretty awesome. After I got married, it took me a while to realize that guys don't have conversations the way girls do. They have just as meaningful conversations...but with a small fraction of the amount of words to get the point across.
And then we had some not so fun times....like the time we got bed bugs somehow, somewhere, and we couldn't get rid of them and we had to move out. But the thing that amazes me about that is this: I survived! I made it through that, and God never left me to deal with it alone. He always provided what I needed.
And again, the time I quit my job because my boss turned out to be a major creeper. I did not have a breakdown because I did not have a husband to provide for me...Instead, I freaked out for a day and then I got it together and looked for a new job. I just knew that God would provide. He was my husband. And again, he never left me.
There were times when I was single and all I wanted was my husband to show up - I didn't know who he was yet, but I would cry out to God and say "Please!!! I don't want to be alone anymore!". And then there were times when I was content and I knew that no matter what happened, God had a plan for ME then, and I didn't have to wait until I was married to start my life. But Ultimately, no matter what my emotional state was, I reached a point where I was pretty secure in my singleness. Mostly because I was becoming more secure of who I am in Christ.
Sometime before I realized that I was supposed to marry Ish (because we were friends for a while first - that's a whole other blog), I had a realization that the goal of my life, is not to get married. In my mind, I just always thought that I'd grow up, maybe go to college, get married, have some kids. Well, college came...and went. But where was my husband? So as I waited, I felt like plan A to get married had fallen through (at least for the time-being) so I had to go to plan B. And there was not really a plan B. I kind of wandered for a while. And then, I started to get it. I started to realize that I had an identity. That Christ created me. As an individual. And that he had called me to love people, and live out the life that he had given me. NOW. Not later, when I'm married. I had no husband to hide behind. I only had Jesus. And I fell completely in love with Jesus. And I came to the point where I was willing to say, "Whatever you give me, Lord, that is the life I'm going to live. I'm not going to waste my life waiting anymore".
So anyway...fast forward to today. My goal in life, my calling, is not to just simply get married, have kids, run them to soccer, and clean my house. My goal in life is to simply live and to love and to share the gospel with anyone God puts in my life. And along the way, God decided to bless me with an amazing man. My perfect Prince Charming. Not because I need a husband to be a "real christian woman", but because God decided it was good for me and Ish to work together. What a beautiful thing...and what a good God to show me a demonstration of his Love by providing me with a husband who loves me like Christ loves the church.
Tonight I realize how easy it is to hide behind my husband. To look to him for security and safety. To look to him to cure my loneliness and occupy my time. When I was single, it was easy to fall in Love with Jesus because I had no distractions and nothing else demanding my affection. It's so easy to fall into a state of laziness and complacency. Lord! I want to find myself in you. I want you to define me and not my marriage, or my husband, or my son!
I am so blessed. I love the life I have been given. Ish is the perfect man for me to share my life with, and Zion is a beautiful, perfect gift. I want to always remember my first love. And always put him first. I want to be madly in love with Jesus.
That's all...Nothing crazy or mind blowing. I just need Jesus desperately, and everything else works itself out.
Oh yeah...I just remembered I'm not really that "single" because my baby is crying so I have to go and tend to him...
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