I have started this blog post a million times. What to say? What can I say? There are no words that can express what is really happening in our hearts and minds. Where do I even begin to explain? I will do my best to try.
On February 18, 2015, I gave birth to a baby boy. I carried him in my womb for only 13 weeks. In that time, I grew to love him. i knew him as my own. He developed into a tiny little person. He had hands, perfect little fingers. Fingernails. Tiny feet with toes. He fit in the palm of our hand. He was ours. He was perfect.
I feel like I have gone over his story over and over in my head. A million times. When I am awake. When I am asleep. I dream of him. I think of him always. I continually remember that i should be almost half way done with my pregnancy by now. I should be nearing full bloom; happy, glowing, expecting life. Instead, I am empty.
I will spare every intimate detail for this blog. Except to say this: I carried him in my womb. I went into labor, I delivered him in the same bed I delivered my last baby. That is significant, because I feel like that solidified the fact that he is mine. He is my baby. And I labored to bring him into this world so we could meet him for a moment and say goodbye. And we did. We examined his little features and we prayed over him. We experienced so much joy and so much sorrow in one moment.
Where do we go from here? Lately I have been thinking about whether or not I even want to try to have another baby. It is a risk. It requires trust. A lot of trust. And a lot of Faith. I am human and much of the time I think it would be easier to not have to put myself in a situation where I need to put forth that kind of effort....the effort to trust God with my fears. But then again, not seeing the goodness of the Lord in my life because I am afraid to trust...what a loss that would be.
This entry has turned into a very real glimpse into my soul...There are days I have this worked out. There are many days I do not. Only God knows how to write our story from here, so I'll update with that as it unfolds. Thank you all for your support and prayers. It means more to us than we can express.
On February 18, 2015, I gave birth to a baby boy. I carried him in my womb for only 13 weeks. In that time, I grew to love him. i knew him as my own. He developed into a tiny little person. He had hands, perfect little fingers. Fingernails. Tiny feet with toes. He fit in the palm of our hand. He was ours. He was perfect.
I feel like I have gone over his story over and over in my head. A million times. When I am awake. When I am asleep. I dream of him. I think of him always. I continually remember that i should be almost half way done with my pregnancy by now. I should be nearing full bloom; happy, glowing, expecting life. Instead, I am empty.
I will spare every intimate detail for this blog. Except to say this: I carried him in my womb. I went into labor, I delivered him in the same bed I delivered my last baby. That is significant, because I feel like that solidified the fact that he is mine. He is my baby. And I labored to bring him into this world so we could meet him for a moment and say goodbye. And we did. We examined his little features and we prayed over him. We experienced so much joy and so much sorrow in one moment.
Where do we go from here? Lately I have been thinking about whether or not I even want to try to have another baby. It is a risk. It requires trust. A lot of trust. And a lot of Faith. I am human and much of the time I think it would be easier to not have to put myself in a situation where I need to put forth that kind of effort....the effort to trust God with my fears. But then again, not seeing the goodness of the Lord in my life because I am afraid to trust...what a loss that would be.
This entry has turned into a very real glimpse into my soul...There are days I have this worked out. There are many days I do not. Only God knows how to write our story from here, so I'll update with that as it unfolds. Thank you all for your support and prayers. It means more to us than we can express.
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