I haven't blogged in a while, so I have a lot of catching up to do. Where to start? 

Zion is a big boy now.  Everyday he seems bigger.  Ish was holding him this morning and he looked like such a big boy. I definitely don't have a baby anymore. 

I have a new hobby....well, it's not really new. Just rekindled. In high school I took a sewing class and I loved it. I didn't sew again until recently because I did not have a sewing machine until a few months ago when my hubby came home and surprised me!  So I've been sewing like crazy. I love it. I've started a tiny little business sewing purses, baby clothing, whatever else I feel like sewing. It's good to have an outlet for my creativity.  Really good. I don't love to use patterns...most patterns are kind of cheesy. I just kind of wing it- sometimes use patterns for the base but then change it to make it my own, and so far it's been working. 

I turned 30 last week.  That really does sound old. Ha!  I'm slightly depressed that my 20's are over, I'm not gonna lie. But, when I reflect on how amazing God is and all of the beautiful things he has blessed me with, I can't help but be excited for all that is to come in my "30's". I'm sure there are good things ahead. I do feel so much more secure with who I am than I did a few years ago. I would trade my 20's for my 30's any day if it means that I can be this free, secure in who I am, and alive in Christ and who he has made me to be. The last few years have been more than I could have ever imagined.  I married the man of my dreams. (Even when everyone around me may have thought I had set my hopes too high, I found the perfect man anyway). I got to experience pregnancy and birth and fall in love with this little person God created inside of me. What an amazing miracle. I have also discovered my passions. Mostly, being able to empower women. Especially in the area of birth.  I have decided I am going to go back to school to become a midwife because that is, without a doubt, my passion. What an amazing thing it would be to help women be in control of their birth experience. I know there are lessons to be learned in the labor and delivery process that God meant for us to learn. I also know that giving birth is so empowering to women. It makes sense to me that an encounter with God can be gained through a great birth experience and women have to fight for it to get it! With all of the hospital protocol, women can lose themselves and feel completely controlled and diminished when they give birth if they don't know how to stand up for themselves. My passion is to help women stand up for themselves and have the birth they chose. So I feel now, more than ever, that I have direction for the future. 

We are in a good season. God is teaching both Ish and I just simply that he is a good father. We don't deserve how good He is to us, but He is just good. He doesn't withhold good things from us. He doesn't treat us as we deserve. Being a mother teaches me more about Jesus everyday. This 2 year old phase is NOT easy. I am pretty sure I have the most stubborn child in the world. He knows what he wants and he will fight for it until he can't fight anymore. Usually, Ish and I win...but only after a 2 hour tantrum. Someday I'm sure this kid is gonna change the world. But for now, he drives us crazy. I mean, seriously, CRAZY. But at the end of the day, no matter how crazy I feel, I still love him fiercely. Makes no sense to me. 

I've noticed that a lot of people are reading my blog daily. I'm honored and I'm praying for all of you...that you find what you are passionate about and run after it. Thank you for reading what I write.  I pray I can be an encouragement to you. 

This is it in a nutshell. This is exactly what has been eating at me:
Impatience

I want to have another baby. I want to go back to school. I want Zion to stop growing up so fast. I want to be at a place where we are more financially secure.  I want....I WANT...

There comes a point where all of this wanting is making me very weary. I'm tired of wanting.  

One thing I don't want...I don't want to turn 30 next month.  However, I want time to move faster so I can accomplish the list above. I have a lot of demands. I'm like the spoiled little kid with her hand in the jar who can't get her hand out because she won't let go of the "prize" she thinks she is going to be able to pull out of that jar.  If she would only open her hand and let go...then maybe she could be free from the jar. 

You would think that by now, with all of the faithfulness God has shown me, that I would just realize that he ALWAYS takes care of me.  He always delivers what he promises. He ALWAYS fulfills the desires of my heart. He has never left me alone. Yet, I still doubt.  I'm still impatient.

I have become lazy. Waiting is too much work. Instead of keeping faith that my God is and always has been faithful to me, I have decided that I can't wait for my perfect God to come through. I have decided instead to whine and pout and feel sorry for myself;  Sorry for myself that I only have one child.  Sorry for myself that I do not see the kind of progress in my career or my mothering skills, or my home, or our finances that I want.  Sorry for myself that I don't have MY way in MY timing. 

God! Help me! Teach me to wait on you.  Your timing is perfect.  I know this first hand.  I know this because in your perfect timing, you sent me my husband.  In your perfect timing you gave me Zion.  In your perfect timing you ordered my life.  And when I put all of this impatience aside, I realize that my life is beautiful.  My family is perfect.  My husband is amazing and my Son is beautiful. How is it, with all of the prayers that I prayed for years answered, I can still find myself wanting for more and putting a time limit on your plan for me, God?  

I want to stop wanting.  I need to stop evaluating my life in terms of MY timeline.  God's timeline is perfect for me. He knows what is best for me. HE knows exactly what he is doing! And I am determined to WAIT. 

Zion started school yesterday. Two days a week I teach a two year old class at a Children's Day Out program and Zion goes to the other two year old class. I think it's good for him to be with other kids and I notice that he seems to pick up so much more when he is actually going to his class and interacting. 
On his first day of school we took him through the Starbuck's drive-thru because he needed "coffee". Yes, we get him chocolate milk and he thinks he is drinking coffee with us. We are starting him young. Of course, he has to take that "paci" out to drink his "coffee". 
He did not have the greatest start to his school year. Apparently the "Coffee" didn't help his attitude because when Daddy dropped him off he started his day by throwing his "paci" and slapping his teacher. Lovely. Of course, he got in trouble from Daddy for that but he didn't want Daddy to leave him so he had a total fit. Eventually his 2 year old BFF showed up and he was happy to see her so he calmed down. I'm so glad he knew someone in his class. Craft time was extra special because he ate the play dough. Besides that, I think his first day was uneventful.
My first day was great. My class is a bunch of angels. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me because I work two short days a week to get a break from my two year old, but I trade one two year old for a class of 5 two year olds. It somehow works for me. Some things just can't be explained.
That's all for now. I do have a good post brewing...but it's not quite there yet. So come back soon :)

My husband has been gone a lot lately.  He usually works all day and then has meetings or some obligation at night. (don't worry, he goes above a beyond to spend time with us. He is still the man of my dreams and he spends plenty of quality time at home too). We only have one car. Zion and I spend MANY hours alone together. Honestly, there are times I get really lonely. It would be so nice to have someone who says more than 50 words in english and 25 words in spanish to talk to. However, I do want to remember the way he says every single one of those words, even when he doesn't say them that way anymore. My favorite is the way he says "Show" and how every time he says the word "Monkey" he feels the need to make monkey sounds along with it.
Anyway, I'm going through this time in my life where it seems like everything is new. Everything, no matter how simple or familiar, becomes a tangible picture of God's love for me.  and by everything...I mean EVERYTHING. I want to try to explain this...but the reality is, words can't explain this. This is going to be my sorry attempt at trying to explain...I hope it somewhat makes sense.
So back to my many hours alone with a 2 year old...
I just can't get over how much I love this kid. I mean, he talks in one or two word sentences all day. Yet, I still love it when he has "conversations" with me. He has a tantrum over something he wants but can't have at least 4 times a day. Yet, I know he is two. He can't express his feelings through words, so he just screams instead. I have lots of grace for those tantrums. He makes everything into a mess. He puts dirty foot prints all over my white couch. He rubs yogurt in his hair. But I know that he is two. It's just going to happen. And at the end of the long day, when he falls asleep, I forget all about the struggles I had with him that day. Ten minutes after he is asleep, I miss him and I have to fight the urge to go into his room and scoop him up and hold him. 
If this is what a mother's love can do...
If I am human and I can love my son like this...
Then what can God's love do?  
How vast and unfathomable is God's love for me?
How many times have I come before God with requests and "conversations" so simple for him, but so complex for me to understand. Yet, he doesn't dismiss me...he loves my 2 word sentences. And my tantrums; I am ashamed to even go there. How many times do I have a complete melt down because I only see things my way. The grace that covers all of those times...well, I did nothing to deserve all of that grace. The messes I make of so many things...I don't even want to think about all of the messes I make, but the love that it takes to clean up the mess...that kind of Love doesn't just happen. That is that kind of love you have for YOUR kid. It's the kind of love that can forget, in an instant, what a mess I've made of my day, all of the hateful things I have thought or said, all of the selfishness in my heart, all of the pride that makes me think I am good enough on my own, and the arrogance that tells me I have and can somehow earn salvation. It is the kind of love that has seen all of this, all of everything in my heart, and at the end of the day can just put that aside and still have the urge to scoop me up and hold me and love me like I could never deserve. That is how HE loves me. I am overwhelmed.

Lately, I just feel completely undone. This is a good place to be.

Recently, I read the news and all I can think is LOVE! God, help us understand love! If Christians could just LOVE...if we could understand that the answer is not more laws to force everyone to act "saved". The answer is not to vote the right person into office and expect him to magically fix everything. The answer will not come through opinionated Facebook status updates. God, teach us how to LOVE. To meet the needs of those around us and build meaningful relationships with people...not just those people in the church...but our neighbors and the people we interact with everyday. I think maybe my prayer this week should be "God, help me to love other Christians who are, at times, unloving people".

So my challenge for the week is this: Let God love me how only HE can love me, Love everyone EVERYONE in my life with that same love. 

I'm a little behind on the blogging, but my sweet little (big) boy turned 2! I can't believe that it's been 2 years already.  I'll never forget the first time I saw his little purple wrinkly face. In the few minutes before he was born, the Lauryn Hill song "To Zion" started playing and I started weeping...not because I was terrified to push a baby head through my Va-jay-jay for the first time (although that was a thought that was on my mind), but because I was about to meet my son and my world was about to change forever. 
And it did change!  Now I can't shower by myself, or pee alone, or eat off of my own plate without sharing my vegetables with a veggie tales fanatic who wants to save Junior asparagus. But, I like those things quite a bit so I will be sad someday when he is old enough for me to shut the bathroom door and stop sharing my plate. 

On his birthday we took him to the Lego store and let him pick out the Lego (or as he would say "Geggo") set he wanted. He definitely has an opinion about what he likes. We would show him a box and he would say "NO, NO". When he finally found the one he wanted (something with zoo animals in it), he held onto it tight and all he could say is "OH WOW"!!  It was such a fun family day and so exciting to see his little personality and likes and dislikes. 

I REALLY love this kid!  What a goof ball!!  I can't wait to see what this year brings.  Happy Birthday Big Boy!!!

Sometimes I feel so inspired to blog, and I sit down with my computer, and all of a sudden I start to think about who might read this and what they might think of me and then everything I just had in my head disappears.  It all comes down to this...

I care WAY to much what people think of me.

I have always struggled with this. But then again, maybe that's pretty normal. So for now, I am just going to put all of that aside and write what is on my heart. It's been a while and I think I have a lot to say.

A lot has happened since my last post. My sweet baby boy turned 2. Judah's "due date" has passed. Ish and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. Each of those things in themselves should be a blog post because every one of those stories is filled with miracles and has evidence of an incredible God written all over.  So let me start with the first thing which was Judah's due date.

A mama doesn't forget her due date. After you wait for weeks, counting down the days, that date is forever stamped in the calendar in  your brain. Judah should have been born on (or close to) May 26, 2012. I know that a lot of people have miscarriages. Part of me feels ashamed about what I'm going to write because the part of my brain that cares what people think is telling me that "nobody cares". But I know that there are too many other women who have experienced loss and who are thinking the same thing about their precious babies. So I'm just going to be real. ONE single life is important to God. Judah's life, is important. So I'm still going to talk about it. 

May 26th came and went. It was a Saturday. We wanted to find a babysitter so Ish and I could go to the beach and just have some time to ourselves, but we couldn't find a sitter.  So we ended up making it a family day and taking Zion with us. But we didn't think about the fact that it was a holiday so the beach was packed. In fact, we didn't even make it there because the traffic was so bad! So we didn't really do anything except drive around and spend time together. Spending time with my family was the best thing we could do though, so it was good. 

I had several friends (and by several I mean like 12) who were pregnant and all due in May or June.  So my emotions have been a roller coaster. Always rejoicing when a sweet new baby is born, but mourning the loss of my baby at the same time. When we first lost our baby, people would say things like "it will get better in time". I know now that time doesn't change anything. Only God can whisper truth into my heart that can heal...nothing gets better with time. In fact with each passing month and milestone, it has only gotten harder. Realizing by now I should know the sex of my baby, by now I should be preparing the nursery, by now I should be having a baby shower, by now I should be seeing my baby's face for the first time.  No, it does not get easier with time. 

When I think about the journey that I have been on since Judah came to be, there are a few moments that stand out. One night I was just so angry. Zion wasn't sleeping, so I went to rock him back to sleep. As I rocked him, I cried out to God, "WHY am I SO angry?. Why can't things just go back to how they were before we had a miscarriage? WHY did this happen? WHY". Well, that night God answered me loud and clear. It was like all of a sudden I just was able to step out of myself and see the big picture. All of a sudden I could put into words what I was thinking but I was afraid to admit. All of a sudden I realized that the truth of the matter was, I was pregnant and our baby died. And up until that moment I had a pretty easy going life. Nothing ever really rocked the boat. I had always known that Jesus loves me and he has always taken care of me, but in my safe little world, nothing too tragic had ever happened. Yes, I had experienced death in my family that was devastating. But that is nothing compared to losing a child. Losing a baby is like the sacred thing that you think won't happen. And somewhere in my mind, I hate to admit it, but I just didn't think it would happen to me...because I was existing in this fairytale land where "God loves me too much to let something that bad happen to me". 

That night, as I rocked my baby and asked God "why", I just realized that losing Judah had totally rocked everything I was standing on. And then I realized that being in that place was the best place I could be because - and I'm being really honest right now -  if I really believe that I somehow deserve to be immune to losing my baby and it should happen to someone who loves God less instead, then something is terribly, horribly wrong in my heart. At that moment I realized that I thought I knew so much about God's love, but I really knew so little. And now I am realizing that I am not immune from pain but that doesn't change God's love for me. Most of all, these things I hold so tight to in this world are not even mine to hold.  

This is all stuff that I could say before, but I hadn't gone through it. It's all so easy to say when all is well and everybody is here and healthy. 

So as Judah's day came and went, and as Facebook has exploded with newborn pictures and birth announcements, I've spent a lot of time just having to rely on the Lord to supernaturally calm my heart and give me peace over and over again that all is well and HE is ALWAYS the same God. 

A few days ago, my sweet friend posted something that was so fitting for her, but also brought tears to my eyes. 

Psalm 113:9 NIV
He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord.

Just to clarify, I'm so happy to be Zion's mommy...but this verse applies to me being in the season where I had my heart set on holding my newborn for the first time, and am not able to.  I hope I'm making sense. I'm really trying!

I hope I made some sort of sense here. I just felt like I should blog some of this, as this is all I do have of Judah's life. And although I only carried him a short time, His little life has changed me (and Ish) in ways I can't explain. 

My mother's day was...well...not what I had in mind when I pictured my perfect Mother's Day.  It started out with my husband leaving very early for church like he usually does and then coming home before church even started because he had hurt his back and he was afraid that if he led worship he was going to hurt it more...because he gets crazy.  At least he brought me breakfast in bed and coffee.  And at least my son slept until 10!!  That was a sweet miracle.  So the hubby promised that as soon as he laid down for a while and if he felt any better we could at least get out of the house so I could do what I wanted for Mother's Day.  Well...we finally went out later in the day and the restaurant I picked said they would not take anyone without a reservation. :(  So we went to the next place we saw, which was El Toro. 
After El Toro (where Z was adorable by the way and kept pointing at the picture of the bull on his cup and growling - because apparently, in his world, bulls growl) we went to the mall so I could get what I wanted.  I really didn't want anything except to go to Lush and buy bath stuff so I could take a really good bubble bath.  And I bought some Godiva chocolates because that also just sounded good.  And then we abruptly headed home because my husband didn't feel well.  
Well...his stiff neck was replaced by food poisoning. (I don't know what it was from. I was fine) Which meant no bath for me because he occupied the bathroom the rest of the day and night.  And on top of that, while my husband was in the bathroom, Zion had a mega explosion in his diaper that was unlike anything I have ever seen...and hope to never see again.  It was like a volcano of poop lava...and when I picked him up out of his highchair, I got poop all down my arm, on my shirt, and it was running down Z's leg.  And, the bottom of the high chair was filled.  It was pretty impressive. 
So, I ran him to the bathroom....but of course, the bathroom was in use...and we had no place to go. So I decided we should wait it out so I could get him in the shower...so I set him down, but of course, he wanted to run.  He started to run towards my white couch and I chased him down and caught him...then I just put him in the sink and started rinsing him down because I had no other options.  He's a little big for the sink-and I didn't want to clean poop in my kitchen sink...but what was I gonna do?
Eventually, Ish came and put Z in the shower and I started to clean up the poop explosion in the highchair and on myself. The whole time, my attitude was pretty bad.  I'm not gonna lie. I was so mad that on Mother's Day, I ended up being the nurse and the maid.  And, I didn't even get my bath.  
Well, now I can appreciate the humor. There is nothing I can do about it. I still didn't get my bath, and I would still like to have a Mother's Day Do-Over...or at least an hour to take a bath. Ha! There is always next year.

When all is said and done, It's not that big of a deal.  My family is healthy, I got some bubble bath and coffee in bed for Mother's day, and I have a husband who spoils me most of the time so I don't have a lot to complain about. And it gave me a story to blog about.  So there you go!

Happy Mother's Day...
First of all to my Mother, who has taught me to be a patient, gentle, loving mother.  She really is the best mother in the world.  Living so far away from her is not easy.  Especially today.
Today, I'm thankful to be Zion's mommy.  And so glad I got to carry Judah all of his life too.  What an amazing thing to be a mother. 
And, I just wanted to share this link.  This is one of the best things I've read for this mother's day. Enjoy your day, mommies!!

I want to know WHO taught my son the word "candy"! At breakfast, lunch, dinner, bath time, play time, diaper change time, just about every second of the day, he is asking me for "andy? andy?".  He doesn't pronounce the "c" but I know what he wants and it's driving me insane.  Except for the hidden stash of remaining Easter candy, we don't even keep candy in this house!  Where does he learn these things?
So my quest for today is to find some healthy, sweet things I can make him that I will call "candy".  But we will all know that they are not really "candy".  Poor little guy.  His sweet tooth is taking over. So if I am successful, I'll add some recipes.
Ish returned home safe and sound from Haiti.  Ended up that he stayed in a really nice resort on the beach and suffered greatly the whole time.  He really did have a great time and was so excited to share his stories and pictures.  He wants to go back again. 
I did miss him...a lot.  But I also had a very productive week.  I re-organized and re-decorated.  I already loved our apartment, but now it's set up the way I want it and it makes it so much more relaxing to have things where i want them.  I also made a Pinterest project.  It cost me nothing and it worked out perfectly!! 

As I said before...I am horrible at taking pictures.  So this is what you get.  You get the point.  
When I first learned about Pinterest, I thought it was the neatest thing ever.  I spent hours looking at pictures of stuff.  And then all of a sudden I started realizing that my house wasn't cute enough, I didn't make enough fancy deserts, I didn't have a garden, My kid's room wasn't organized enough, I didn't have fancy decorations for every holiday, I wasn't stylish, or thrifty enough, my DIY skills were awful, and I didn't do enough art projects with my toddler. I apparently am not a person who can spend hours on Pinterest and come out unscathed.  It snuck up on me when I least expected it, and I admit I got sucked in. All of a sudden, I was viewing my world from the outside in instead of the inside out.  All of those pictures of "things" made me look at all of the things in my world, and all of a sudden I had this ugly feeling of discontent settle in my heart. And I did not like it one bit.  I wanted to go back to the days before Pinterest, when I was pretty confident in my mothering and wife skills.  When I was more focused on who God says I am than who Pinterest says I am.  
So I have a love-hate relationship with Pinterest.  I basically use it if I have a project in mind that I want to do and I need ideas.  I'll look up that specific thing.  But I don't like to sit and look at pages full of pictures of stuff.  Just not my thing. 
What about you? What are your thoughts on Pinterest?  

My Hubby left tonight for Haiti.  Now it is 12:30 in the AM and I am remembering why I hate it when he is gone.  I never sleep.  The thing I don't understand about this phenomenon is that I was a single lady for a very long time before my man came along.  I watched most of my friends get married and I wondered, begged, pleaded with God for it to be my turn next.  And all of those years that I waited (I say all of those years like they were 50 years, but really I got married when I was 26 and it just felt like an eternity while I was waiting) I slept alone in my bed just fine.  I slept the entire night and I went to bed at a decent hour.  All on my own!  So...why can't I do that now?
And the other thing I don't understand is why and how I can be so bored?  He has been gone maybe 5 hours at this point, and I have found myself trying to slow down on the episodes of United States of Tara (don't judge me) that I'm watching on Netflix because I'm afraid I'm going to run out of episodes before he gets back and then I will not have anything to do. 
So now, into my 5th hour out of my next 7 days of living life as a single lady again (And by single lady you know what I mean...Don't let your imagination run wild and start rumors about me), I'm doing basically the same thing so far tonight as I did everyday when I really was single: Eat ice cream, check Facebook obsessively, and watch movies in my bed in the dark. And I'm remembering some good times (and some not so good times) with the roommates.  
Beth and I had some fun times I will say...just having someone to always talk to for hours about anything and everything going on in our heads was pretty awesome.  After I got married, it took me a while to realize that guys don't have conversations the way girls do.  They have just as meaningful conversations...but with a small fraction of the amount of words to get the point across.  
And then we had some not so fun times....like the time we got bed bugs somehow, somewhere, and we couldn't get rid of them and we had to move out.  But the thing that amazes me about that is this:  I survived!  I made it through that, and God never left me to deal with it alone.  He always provided what I needed.
And again, the time I quit my job because my boss turned out to be a major creeper.  I did not have a breakdown because I did not have a husband to provide for me...Instead, I freaked out for a day and then I got it together and looked for a new job. I just knew that God would provide. He was my husband.  And again, he never left me.
There were times when I was single and all I wanted was my husband to show up -  I didn't know who he was yet, but I would cry out to God and say "Please!!!  I don't want to be alone anymore!".  And then there were times when I was content and I knew that no matter what happened, God had a plan for ME then, and I didn't have to wait until I was married to start my life. But Ultimately, no matter what my emotional state was, I reached a point where I was pretty secure in my singleness. Mostly because I was becoming more secure of who I am in Christ.
Sometime before I realized that I was supposed to marry Ish (because we were friends for a while first - that's a whole other blog), I had a realization that the goal of my life, is not to get married. In my mind, I just always thought that I'd grow up, maybe go to college, get married, have some kids. Well, college came...and went.  But where was my husband?  So as I waited, I felt like plan A to get married had fallen through (at least for the time-being) so I had to go to plan B.  And there was not really a plan B.  I kind of wandered for a while.  And then, I started to get it.  I started to realize that I had an identity.  That Christ created me. As an individual.  And that he had called me to love people, and live out the life that he had given me.  NOW.  Not later, when I'm married.  I had no husband to hide behind.  I only had Jesus.  And I fell completely in love with Jesus.  And I came to the point where I was willing to say, "Whatever you give me, Lord, that is the life I'm going to live.  I'm not going to waste my life waiting anymore".  
So anyway...fast forward to today.  My goal in life, my calling, is not to just simply get married, have kids, run them to soccer, and clean my house.  My goal in life is to simply live and to love and to share the gospel with anyone God puts in my life. And along the way, God decided to bless me with an amazing man.  My perfect Prince Charming. Not because I need a husband to be a "real christian woman", but because God decided it was good for me and Ish to work together. What a beautiful thing...and what a good God to show me a demonstration of his Love by providing me with a husband who loves me like Christ loves the church.  
Tonight I realize how easy it is to hide behind my husband.  To look to him for security and safety.  To look to him to cure my loneliness and occupy my time. When I was single, it was easy to fall in Love with Jesus because I had no distractions and nothing else demanding my affection. It's so easy to fall into a state of laziness and complacency.  Lord!  I want to find myself in you.  I want you to define me and not my marriage, or my husband, or my son!  
I am so blessed. I love the life I have been given. Ish is the perfect man for me to share my life with, and Zion is a beautiful, perfect gift. I want to always remember my first love.  And always put him first.  I want to be madly in love with Jesus.  
That's all...Nothing crazy or mind blowing.  I just need Jesus desperately, and everything else works itself out. 

Oh yeah...I just remembered I'm not really that "single" because my baby is crying so I have to go and tend to him...